At the end of training camp, they warned us about the period of time between camp and launch. They encouraged us to process everything we are going through and process some more. Ignoring or numbing everything with social media, Netflix, food, or whatever else was NOT going to be the move. They told us to get our minds and hearts ready for the race so we aren’t bringing emotional baggage to the field. That made sense to me, but I am realizing that it’s far easier said than done. Walking into this in-between-period, I honestly had zero expectations because I had no idea what to expect. I just knew I would have a lot of preparation to do to pack my life in a backpack and a lot of goodbyes to say to my closest people.
Disclaimer: Vulnerable content!!! The rest of this blog is being used for my internal processing so bear with my enneagram 7 scatterbrain. This is just where my mind and heart are right now.
I guess the name of this particular season of my life would be a season of grief. I am grieving the end of the most formative chapter of my life so far. My family has been going through a hard time lately, so I am still grieving the end of the family I grew up knowing. My house is being sold and torn down, so I am grieving the end of what has been my safe place for eight years. I won’t be able to have quiet time in my room or walk to my neighbors houses when I get back, and that breaks me. I am grieving having to leave my new church family I bonded with this summer because we got so close in the matter of two months. I am grieving the end of my time as a youth in my church, because when I get back I guess I’ll be an adult or whatever haha 😉 But overall, my life is going to look quite different when I get back, and that’s okay. Change is good, right?
I am also grieving the end of a season I had with my best friends. Saying goodbye to my best pals was honestly a lot harder than I expected it to be. It broke me. I had a whole week where I totally gave into laziness and all I wanted to do was numb my pain. I had a couple nights where I fell asleep crying and then woke up crying again (lol). If you know me, that’s not my usual behavior. I am not used to experiencing pain like that, so I had no idea what to do with myself. I just knew that the people I had loved and trusted for so long aren’t going to be a part of my everyday life anymore. And that breaks me.
Everyone is enjoying their new dorm and new college friends and it has me thinking “What the heck am I doing?” All I want to do is experience this new chapter with them. But sadly, that’s not on my table. My exciting college life will come and it’s time for me to prepare for my exciting world race life. I just have to remind myself everyday that my people are fulfilling the call God has on their lives just as much as I am. It’s their time to do what they need to go and go where they need to go. And God is protecting them.
But in the midst of my grief and my weary spirit, I am so grateful. I am grateful that I have had such a hard time because it means I am being molded into who I will become and will give me a new perspective on life and God. I am grateful for the painful goodbyes because that means I have been loved so well by my people. It means I have loved my people just as well. That’s all I can ask for. But man, that type of pain hurts deep. But the love I feel from God through all of them is way deeper.
“My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26
“I will fulfill you to my promise and bring you home again.” -Jeremiah 29:10
UPDATES!
I am SO blessed to be able to say I have made it to my 10,000 deadline for August! I am so thankful. I love seeing how God is using the grateful hearts of the people in my life to provide for this mission.
My actual total is closer to 11,000 and I still have a little less than 6,000 to raise!!
Please continue to pray and ask God if you are being led to give. It’s as easy as a click of a button! Because that’s all it is!
I am praying for everyone who has already donated and I am praying over the hearts of people who haven’t donated yet.
Prayer Requests
I leave in a week and two days. Packing for nine whole months is beginning to feel real and scary. Pray that I don’t get too frustrated or discouraged during this packing process!
I’d love to hear prayer requests from you guys. Let me know if you need prayer for anything and anything at all! I’d love to pray with you and walk with you. Leave it in the comments or contact me personally.
Thank you for walking with me through this.
Peace and blessings,
Hannah Keller
