It’s been two whole weeks since training camp and wowza, what a crazy stage of life I’ve been living in. I have been trying to put my training camp experience -11 days of intense information processing, relationship building, wall breaking and building, fun, frustration, exhaustion and smelliness- into words. Every time I sit down to write a blog my mind explodes with joy and information and I can’t seem to find the words to describe it all. So I’m trying something a little different: a series of blogs featuring big concepts and experiences and raw authenticity. Lets start with little ideas and find God in them.
My first series is on intimacy. It is a concept that Adventures in Missions builds their mission on- Seeking God intimately as a foundation to love others and live the life we have been called to. Besides this pivotal concept being taught to us in sessions, God was teaching me in 4 main ways how to be intimate with him. Knowing both God the Father and Jesus as Savior and brother deeply and lovingly and whole is really what humans were created for. I have been taught so much over the past month about this concept and I feel the Lord telling me to share so without further ado;
Intimacy part 1
Visions and Endurance.
When I came to camp I felt that I could connect to God primarily through worship. I saw worship as a picnic; let me explain. I understand that worship is more than singing- in case you are unaware of that, stay tuned for the next blog! I sought a life of worship- pointing my every action back to my Creator to give Him the glory. Every time I would either serve on praise team or have times of private singing worship, I would envision my time as me dancing with Papa on top of this gorgeous flowery hilltop (image the sound of music hill, add a picnic blanket and two painting easels and you are seeing what my place of worship looks like). It is a free, joyful, authentic environment where Papa and I share meals, dance around and paint with each other. It’s sweet. It fills my heart all the way up. I see worship as time with my heavenly father doing the things I love. I saw my times of worship, however, about singing well enough or dancing freely so entice a feeling-that’s how I knew I was worshiping well. I would ~feel~ the Holy spirit working in me and moving in me. You may see the problem in this. If I could only feel validated in my worship through the feeling it brought me, did that mean that when I create-inspired by the Father’s creation to show the passions he has equipped me with- but didn’t ~feel~ the Holy spirit in the same way as I do when I sing, that I was not worshiping? How was I supposed to live a life of worship when I attributed it to a feeling?
So when I came to TC I knew of the freedom in worship that many who were standing next to me did not know. I know how I like to worship. I know I like being in my own little space and be as free as I want with what I sing and how I dance. But throw two hundred plus people into a not-so-big space and you get a very overwhelmed Han. I could not seem to find the feeling of freedom and love in worship that I so long for; I felt the Spirit did not want to be with me. I felt, for the first time, that my praises were hit the ceiling and falling flat.
Let me tell you-the enemy works hard, especially against the things that God has gifted. This instance was not the first time that Satan has spoken insecurities and discouragement into me about worship.
So the first few days of TC were hard because the enemy and I were wrestling. I spent those days diving into truth and prayer. Probably day 4 or so of camp we were in corporate praise and worship and I was frustrated to the point of tears that my praises were not being heard (a lie whispered to me, poking fun at me for a lack of faith). In that moment I asked for Jesus to send his love on me-making himself known so that I would know my prayers were being heard-expecting that familiar feeling to return. Instead he send me the prettiest vision.
The vision of Papa and I dancing on the hilltop came to my mind then it basically rewinded to a new part of that same vision: It was Jesus and I. We were walking hand in hand. A perfectly sunny day walking through the trees on a trail. We weren’t talking just walking, observing, basking in peace. It took me a few moments to realize where we were walking to: to Papa at the top of the hill. We were walking uphill on a path both steep and unstable. Nevertheless the peace and presence flooded every part of me- it was unshakable.
Looking back I am reminded of when Peter walked on the water for a moment, not focusing on what was under his feet, just who he was walking towards. He looked down at the water and lost the confidence of his walk. Praise the Lord that wasn’t so in my vision-I just kept on towards the father, with Jesus’ hand in mine; full of endurance.
I had not really known a heart attachment to Jesus before, I mean I firmly believe him to by my Savior, but I had not resonated with the Brotherly aspect of God -more so the Fatherly aspect. To have been seen, loved, heard by Jesus gave my heart the sweetest hug.
So fast forward to Sunday… fitness hike day (2 mile timed hike/run with your FULL pack on). We started early morning and in all honesty I was loving it, time to process alone, to get active, to push myself-dude it was going so well. That is until I reached this HUGE monster of hill-steep, gravel, 5 miles high (okay exaggeration but it felt like it). Your girl thought she was going to DIE. That was until that vision that Jesus gave me a few days earlier popped in my head again. The hills were so similar. I had a resurgence of energy because Jesus had been preparing me for this and I had no idea! So while I walked up this hill (only honesty here, if I would have ran I actually would have died), I talked to Jesus about how challenging this hill was to climb up with 35lbs on my back, and he told me that this was my load to carry- that the Joy at the top of the hill would be so worth it. Let me tell you, he was so right. The hike was my favorite part of camp. He also reminded me that he carried the burdens of the whole world up a hill and died so that I may know him, be sustained and given strength through him. His presence brought sweet joy. His sacrifice and suffering 2000 years ago brought me life and endurance that day and everyday. If Jesus can sustain us with the same power that resurrected Him from the dead- so he can know us intimately, that we can harness that same power and pursue him with endurance.
It takes endurance to run the race of everyday life because it can feel monotonous and make Papa seem distant – when he never is far from us.
It takes endurance to climb the race because your breath and patience make a habit of running short, you get sore, and not being able to see the prize waiting for you at the top of the hill makes it seem completely not worth it.
But intimacy with Papa, with Jesus is absolutely worth every hill, every load, every ounce of endurance you have. Endurance is pressing towards intimacy.
8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:8-14
