Hello friends!
I am very happy to letcha know that my team and I have made it to Nepal! Our wonderful ministry host is named Deepak, (or Tupac if you would prefer), and his family and community is absolutely outstanding, and like nothing you’ve ever seem before. Let me tell you, living so close (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) to 13 other human beings is such an experience. Living in such a Christ-minded community for even just 8 days, has already begun a shift in my mind/life.
While at training camp where we were prepped for making ministry our life, and our life our ministry, one of the sessions our team did together was all about our false-selfs. False-selfs are what we put up as a front for others to make them think of us differently than who/what we truly are. This was a very eye-opening exercise for me. I’m not used to talking about my insecurities, especially to people I had just met, but God was really putting vulnerability on my heart since I arrived in Georgia. I mean, we took bucket showers in outdoor stalls with curtains that didn’t always cover all the ‘goods’ God gave us… talk about vulnerability.
I have been really trying to find my identity in Christ, discover what His plan is for my life, and also to become wholly and authentically myself (whoever that may be) to develop my testimony. Literally none of that is possible unless we can be honest with ourselves first. So, I’m not only going to be honest with the gorgeous 13 individuals who comprise Team Nepal, but I would like to be vulnerable and honest with the amazing people who have helped me get to where I am right now.
I have identified 3 false-selfs that I consistently see in my life.
1.) Comparison
I began to realize an issue when I participated in the social media cleanse with CCF this past semester. I cannot explain how much lighter I felt. When I get uncomfortable or bored, I am that person who cycles through Instagram, then Twitter, then Pinterest, check the Snapchat, and if I’ve got a few extra minutes, I might even pop onto Facebook for a hot sec. This definitely isn’t something that had been spoken into existence and it hit me all at once, but little seeds of doubt have been growing methodically in my head for quite some time. Just a 3 second scroll on Instagram leads to thoughts like- “wow, her skin is literally perfect. why can’t mine be like that?”, “That vacation looks so fun. Why don’t I ever have the time or money to go to the beach/mountain/concert/insert literally anything else here?”, “their relationship is so adorable. Why does mine have such trying ups and downs?”
Now, the first half of each of these statements are perfectly healthy. We are supposed to rejoice and delight in others victories! The second half is the poison that slowly seeps into our thoughts and feelings, sometimes without a trace. It is so alarming to me how easy of access kids have to social media, because without the solid foundation of Christ, it is so easy for us to let these affect not only the way we feel about ourselves, but also how we show love to others. So much of my personal struggles, jealousy, and even hatred comes from a simple seed of comparison.
2.) Dependency
Wow. This one. THIS IS IT. Silent but deadly, man. I find so much joy in pursuing relationships with others. I absolutely love loving others. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. God wants us to live in community with others. BUT, so much damage can occur from a tiny crack in your armor, so pay attention. Going to college was such a great, healthy, normal step in my path to adulthood, but I could not let go of my home. Cuba (or, ‘The Cubes’ to those of us cool kids) has been the perfect place for me to build my life for the past 18 years, but that does not mean that I have to be exactly the same person I had been ‘being’ for that time. I’m going to shoot ya’ straight. I am way too dependent on two people- my mother, and my boyfriend. I put way too much of my value and identity in them. I expect both of them to fill the parts of my heart and soul that only God can. Sure, they both bring me great peace, and build me up, and love me, but I cannot depend on their constant attention, affirmation, and ATTENTION (did I mention attention?), because there is just no way they could satisfy that need in my life. John 14: 27 says “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid”. He literally spells it out for us. Dependency has continuously affected my faith because I had been securing all of it in earthly beings who, no matter how amazing and fantastic and loving they are, there is just no way they can give me what Jesus promises.
3.) Control
If you don’t understand this one about me, ask my family/any teacher who has ever assigned me a group project/advisors of my many organizations/school administrators. Any would, without a doubt, be able to hit you with at least 3 examples of times that I have been unnecessarily stressed by things that literally do not matter at all. It is physically impossible to count how many times someone has said “Grace, you cannot control how others feel”. I guess there is just a certain number of times it has to beat at my brain before it finally busts through that last layer and enters, flooding the space, and I can finally understand. This happened for me at training camp. I had no control over the schedule, didn’t have as much info about the trip as I would’ve liked, and I still made it to Nepal safe and sound (after 41 hours of consecutive travel, mind you). If I only learn one thing through this whole experience, it has been giving control up to God. We just have to trust JC. He’s got us. My control issues have affected friendships and relationships in the past because when I am trying to control my own emotions, along with others, I act selfishly. Control is such a selfish action, and I’ve really been feeling very convicted of that.
One of my favorite sessions of training camp was about Hearing the Voice of God. We constantly are hearing voices from the enemy, the world, ourselves, and the Lord. Those are a lot of voices. We HAVE to be able to fill ourself with the truth in order to combat the lies (even the little ones that creep in and seem harmless). We have to learn to align our feelings to the truth.
Hold on, I’ll say it again:
Align your feelings to the truth.
John 16: 12-15 talks about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. When the HS speaks, it comes from the heart of God. This is also found in Matthew 3:16, when Jesus is baptized. As soon as he emerges from the water, “Heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him.” This ‘dove’ is also the HS. We just have to remember that the Lord will always always ALWAYS speak life, rootedness, identity, and hope.
I ask for continued prayers of peace, protection, and direction for my team, and am excited to update you all on some ministry we’ll be participating in soon!
All my love,
Grace
