I posted something a few weeks ago on instagram quoting the song “Whole Heart (Hold Me Now)” from Hillsong, and its an anthem I cannot shake out of my bones.
“Hold me now, in the Hands that created the Heavens
find me now, where the grace runs as deep as your scars
You pulled me from the clay, you set me on a rock, called me by Your name
made my heart whole again.”
There is something about these lyrics that won’t flee my mind and the Holy Spirit is starting to reveal to me why. This is a song that has been on my heart for the past few weeks and is something I cannot stop declaring over my life. Whether I was washing dishes, or driving, this song filled my mouth when nothing else was coming out. I knew this song had significance to me and my spirit, but I didn’t really understand the depth that it held.
Because I am an extrovert and an Enneagram 7, sitting down and resting is not a normal activity for me. If we are close, you can testify that I am always on the move and would rather do ANYTHING else than sit and rest, even when I am sick. To avoid pain and Satan’s lies, I run to where the energy is and avoid all stillness. On top of my tendency to avoid quietness, the Enemy planted some kind of lie in my brain that if I wasn’t actively chasing children or talking to a local I was no longer doing ministry, and I was wasting the time God is allowing me to spend here in Africa with His children. At my care point on Wednesday a little one was begging me to pick her up and hold her. With pure joy and excitement I reached down, tickled her a few times, and she immediately attached herself to my hip. We walked around the playground for a few minutes, and I started a conversation with a woman sitting down, and so I sat down next to her, still holding this sweet little girl. She placed her head on my chest and I noticed her started to breathe a little heavier, and eventually she fell asleep. Going back to my personality, I’m not gonna lie, I was not excited about this. I loved how tender this moment was, but I hated the feeling on uselessness the Enemy was planting in my mind. I was holding myself back so much from tickling her and waking her up because I wanted to play and use every ounce of energy in myself to make her feel loved.
She eventually woke up an hour later, and praise God for what He taught me through that one hour of resting. I was having a battle in my own mind about why God was giving me the task of being still, when all of the children were begging me to play and pulling on my arm so I could stand up and slide with them. Because He is a good Father, He spoke so gently to me. He was so soft, but my conviction made me want to throw up because of how guilty I felt for wanting so badly to reject His simple task for me. He showed me the image of what I looked like from up above. I was holding this restless child, as she came to me to receive rest. I heard his voice so clearly say “I love you. I adore you. You are the child. You come to me weary and needing a place to lay down. You represent me, but I will never dread or get tired of holding you and being still with you. I am your hiding place, and where you find peace. You are loving her in the same way I love you.”
My best friend Hali always tells me “vessels, such as cups or bowls, have holes in them. You are a vessel, sometimes you are called to hold heavy things, and sometimes you are meant to just be held.” I think in doing ministry there will always be the blessing of getting the chance to hold things. Holding heavy things as well as light, but big prayers. But because of how gracious God is with me and how vast His love is, I will always have the chance to just be held. This is a promise I will never forget and is something I will always crave. Thank you Jesus for being my hiding place when I am feeling restless and for holding me, forever. You are all my heart desires.
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