First, I’m going to define some words:
Vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally
Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome
Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection
Panic Attacks: a sudden episode of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms, based on a perceived threat rather than imminent danger
Lets start with the story of my worst panic attack. I was at work, I went to my manager about the attitude of another manager, it wasn’t the first time this said person gave me attitude over nothing, I was at breaking point and just over it. I went to the lead manager of the store to say what was going on when they were around. What I got back was “well if you changed your attitude then you would not be getting the attitude from them.” This was not the first time something like this happened to an employee from this manager. What I did after that is went into the break room not able to breathe, shaking, and in tears. That was when I would shut down constantly after work. I would come home, eat something, then go upstairs and cut myself off from almost everyone. When I left the store things didn’t start looking up, I was still so hurt from what happened, couldn’t really figure out who I thought was worthy to trust, I could barley walk by the store without starting to feel massive anxiety let alone seeing the people who I used to work with, and that was when the suicidal thoughts came. I was doing the same thing everyday when going to work, I couldn’t stand the morals the place I was working for had. It went on like that for a good few months, until I finally opened up to my parents about how I was feeling. Even though I’m not sure if they know the story from my job, they told me everything was going to get better I just had to remember that God had a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.’” (NIV). This means no matter how far you wander into the wilderness, if you seek the Lord again with your heart he will gather you and bring you back to him. You can wander to the deepest depths of the earth and if you seek him he will come pick you up and put you back together. He came to me when I sought him after falling into a deep depression, just remember all the beautiful things he has created for us to see don’t leave that.
How am I doing now you may be thinking. I still struggle a little but its not nearly as bad as it was, I am able to just duck away when I know I’m getting a bit overwhelmed. Month one was probably the hardest just trying to figure out when I can have me time, and just voicing when I needed that bit of time to myself. I was trying to figure out the balance of being at ministry, sharing a room, and making sure I had me time. In month two was when I had my first panic attack for a few months. In month three I feel like I finally figure out the balance of having time for myself, sharing a room, and still having me time. I’m learning more and more each day how to depend on the Lord and those around me and not thinking they’re going to turn on my and tell me everything is my fault and I need to change me before others around me will change. It has been a long road of figuring out a balance and also not completely shutting down when things go “wrong”. My team is also very supportive and can figure out when I need space just to process everything that has happened. Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
