Story time!!
If you didn’t know, I am the oldest of 6 children- 3 of which, when I was 14 years old, my family adopted. It was a local adoption where my family doubled in size, basically within one weekend. Adoption has become such a huge part of my family’s story. When thinking about how God has perfectly and completely molded my family together with his hands, I can honestly barely remember what it was like before. It is such a beautiful picture of the Father’s heart for his precious children- his heart for family and for healing and redemption- for restoring each heart from its initial brokenness but also from the other ravaging effects of sin- such as a child being abandoned and abused, and left feeling hopeless. God is the God of restoration! But adoption has also been one of the hardest things my family has ever walked through. And will continue to walk through. As the years go by, more and more of the deep hurt stored away in the hearts of my siblings is revealed. I believe that is part of God’s healing, that they are now in a space where that can happen, but it also is incredibly difficult and a side of adoption that is not often discussed. It presents itself in different ways and at different times. Sometimes it looks like an intentional behavior exhibited, or it is watching an internal wrestle that happens in their hearts that even they do not fully understand. Not knowing how to accept love, or trust one another, or allow themselves to have dreams. And there is also the physical actions taken against them and having to cope with those things. Not understanding how they got to this point, and watching them live in the effects of someone else’s personal struggles and addictions. And many other things. I am trying to be somewhat vague just because, though it is my family’s story, these are my sibling’s personal stories of redemption that they will hopefully share someday. Fighting for them has been one of the greatest joys and honors of my life to this point, but also one of the heaviest and hardest things.
Now as I sit here in a tucked away village at an orphanage in Cambodia, surrounded by children still sitting in that very vulnerable position, I don’t know how to feel about it in my heart. How do I protect the heart of the 9 year old boy who does not understand? Who reminds me of my own little brother so hurt by distrust? I worry for his heart and his mind- how he views himself in light of his story and the revolving door of white Americans coming through. Knowing that by outwardly loving him, I could also damage his trust even more when I leave. This potential damage has really been weighing on my heart. What does it look like to be obedient and to serve the lord faithfully here? Well I don’t really have a clear answer for you guys. BUT I do know this.
God is the defender of their hearts just like he is the defender of mine.
God has been working here, he is here, and he will be here long after I leave. None of this is contingent on me. Thank goodness.
He has just so graciously invited me into this WITH HIM. He wants to meet with me. And then he will give me wisdom and discernment in my interactions with the kiddos, and in my interactions with my teammates, and with the people of this village, exactly in the time I need them.
God made me with a tender heart and a nurturing spirit and that in itself is a strength. It is okay and good to wrestle with these things because they are soooo important.
For these kids, adoption is likely not their story. Yet God still has equally as beautiful paths for redemption in their lives. They are a family. They love and care for each other as brothers and sisters. Among the older kids, they have visions and dreams- wanting to be a police officer or a translator. A girl my own age just left to go to the university. We have been able to encourage one another and it has been so good.
Things can also be good and hard at the same time. Funny how that works! And that is just part of it all.
As I was sitting and listening and reading today, God was reminding me that he delights not in what I do, but in me finding my hope in his steadfast love. That even when my soul is heavy, I can find hope and rest in his steadfast love. Hope for myself, hope for my family, hope for the kiddos here in Cambodia. A whole lotta hope!!! It’s so freeing! And so life-giving!!
Well there ya go, a little piece of my heart and a small picture of what it has been like here for me so far. I hope you have all been encouraged! And also challenged! And I hope you all have had a restful weekend!! 🙂
Joyfully, Emily
