Exhausted.
If I had to pick a word to describe how I have been feeling the past week or so, I would pick exhausted.
This month I am in a small town of northern Peru.
In strong contrast to Quito, life here looks very different.
We are living in a building that used to be an orphanage. We are working with a church, guiding a children’s program, teaching English classes to Venezuelan refugees, leading street evangelism, and restoring parts of the complex we are living in. Ministry days are long. And I am tired.
“My strength comes from the Lord, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.” (Psalms 121:2)
A beautiful verse that I have really forced myself to meditate on the last few days.
I have always fancied the idea that my strength comes from the Lord.
But the truth is that for so long it has merely been an idea I had in my head while living out a life where my strength came from me.
When evaluating this deeper, I realized that ultimately my strength has never truly come from the Lord. It has never truly come from the Lord because it has never had to.
I have lived my life in a world where when I wanted something, I drove to the store and bought it. When something hurt, I took medicine. When I was tired, I rested. And when I wanted to praise the Lord, I went to my beautifully decorated and well air conditioned church and sang praises along with our incredible worship band.
The first two months of the race have definitely been full of adjustments, but I was still pretty capable of getting by on my own strength.
But then I hit month 3, and things started to change.
The shininess of the race started to wear off and I started to realize that this was going to be hard in more ways than expected.
I’m going to get sick and not have the medicine I know could help. I’m going to need things and be unable to get them. There’s going to occasionally be a scorpion in my bed and I am going to have to deal with it (yes, that happened). Church is going to be hot, and crowded, and we are probably not singing my favorite new Bethel song. I am going to pour out all of myself to complete strangers on a daily basis and expect nothing in return. I am going to get worn out and tired. Very, very tired. And at that point, I am going to have to decide where my strength comes from.
I realized that there were things that were going to be incredibly hard, but I also realized that that was the point.
Until I am outside of what I can do for myself, I will never truly learn to rely on Him
What glory does God get for provision when I need something and immediately go get it for myself?
What glory does God get for my content if I never get uncomfortable?
What glory does God get for my peace when everything is working out perfectly?
What glory does God get for my strength if I remain in situations where my own is enough?
God is so much more glorified when I am in situations where I know I don’t have a backup plan, and I actually start having faith that I don’t need one.
God is so much more glorified when I am sitting on a concrete floor with hundreds and hundreds (I wish I was exaggerating) of flies swarming around me but continue singing praises of His greatness.
God is so much more glorified when I physically and spiritually exhaust myself every single day to a point where nothing and no one can restore me but Him.
It all comes down to where we are choosing to draw our strength from.
John 15:4-5 says “ Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
The vine is the channel of nutrients for the branch. By being connected to the vine, the branch constantly receives what it needs to grow stronger and bear good fruit. However, if the branch chooses to detach from the vine, either because it believes that it can produce its own strength, or because it thinks it can attach to something else, it can do nothing.
If you are not seeing the growth you would like to or feeling as content as you would like to, I challenge you to ask yourself what it is you are connected to? What are you pulling your resources from? Is it the true vine? Is it yourself? Or is it something of the world?
Seeking strength only from yourself is pride and will produce exhaustion. Being fueled only by the world is idolatry and will result in destruction. Being connected to the true vine, and only the true vine, is the only thing that produces fruit. “Apart from me you can do nothing”.
Being attached to the true vine also produces an incredible amount of content.
One that is not based on what is happening around you, but based on the fact that the incredible goodness of God is running through you in every moment.
So whether I am looking at a beautiful sunset crafted by His hands or cleaning mice/insect/scorpion infested back rooms of an orphanage – the goodness of God remains the same. My vine remains the same. And therefore, my strength, my hope, and my joy remain the same.
I am going to continue to give all of myself every single day, trusting that the Lord will refill every part of me that I have given away.
There is an incredible freedom when your strength no longer comes from yourself and an incredible peace when your joy no longer comes from external circumstances.
-Em
