It’s been just over a month since I arrived home from training camp and about 2 1/2 weeks left until I head to Atlanta for Launch. I’ve been spending this last month just decompressing and getting more in tune with my emotions. The Lord took those 11 days and swept me off my feet and has kept me spinning since then. The first night at training camp he revealed to me that I was numbing my emotions to the world around me in an effort to protect myself. After sitting with him I asked him to take a wrecking ball to the walls I had built around my heart and Lord did those walls come tumbling down. The Lord moved in areas I thought I was healed in and restored a peace that I didn’t even realize I was missing. For the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been putting on my heart to share my vulnerabilities with the people around me in a way that I have never done before so here I go. Heres all the good, bad, and everything in between.
FEAR
I AM SCARED OF REJECTION: 100% and truly terrified of people looking upon me and saying “you aren’t good enough” I would do anything and everything possible to make people like me, sacrificing my morals, self, likes and dislikes in the hope that if I just agreed with what they said I would be accepted. I have spent the last 21 years believing in the lie that I am unlovable and incapable of loving people, I’ve pushed away friends, boyfriends, and family members terrified of letting anyone get close to me in case they see all the ugly and reject me. I’ve begged on my knees to the Lord until my throat is raw and I can’t cry anymore in hopes that he would look at me and say “well done I love you” The first night at training camp the speaker had us all close our eyes and began to pray over us. He turned and said “I can feel the Lord telling me that some of you are trying to earn His love and he wants you to know that you already have it” I burst into tears and couldn’t believe that words that had just been spoken over us. How could this random stranger know that I was trying to earn the love of our Father? The Lord continued to speak this message to me over and over again throughout the two weeks and MAN let me tell you how awesome is it that we have a God who loves us BECAUSE HE LOVES US. point blank period if and or buts he JUST LOVES US.
TRUTH: ‘As you come to Him, the living Stone-rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him” The truth is the opinions and acceptance by people of this World hold no weight in eternity because I have found favor with the Lord AND HE LOVES ME ANYWAYS regardless of imperfections and mistakes.
HOPE
My hope for the next year is that I will continue to walk in victory and believe down to the deepest part of me that I am loved, chosen, and accepted by the one who cradles the whole World in his hand. He has made me in his image and he looks upon me with gladness. I hope that he continues to break me and mold me into a greater image of Him with each day that passes. I pray that I continue to choose joy on the hardest of days, growth over comfort, and peace over anxiety but greater than all of this I pray that I continue to chose you each and every day without relent as you have chosen me.
