There are moments in life where I am frustrated by my own brokenness. But I’m also keenly aware that it is often through our most broken moments that we get to see the biggest glimpses of God’s Father heart. After traveling through Peru into Chile last week we spent a few days going through debrief. On our second to last day we found out that we would be having team changes. At this point, I had been team leading the guy team (three of us total). As soon as the announcement was made about team changes I felt the Holy Spirit say, you won’t be a team leader (TL) this time. It touched a nerve; an annoying, petty, and bothersome nerve that I hadn’t realized was there. It bothered me that I wasn’t going to hold a “position” of leadership and instead was just going to be part of the team. I was annoyed with being annoyed at this since rationally it felt like such a minor thing (I was leading a team of three, not exactly a heavy leadership role).
What ensued was a night and morning spent wrestling with my own emotions and wrestling with God on what edge was getting chipped away at. I believe that during our walk as Christians God will intentional take us through seasons where we are being refined, or smoothed into the likeness of Jesus. It can feel like God is breaking off a hard edge that is part of us. I was frustrated for having to wrestle with something I viewed as immaturity in myself. I wanted to just get over it, grit my teeth and move on. Instead, I sensed that I was to dig into it and let the Holy Spirit change me. So I wrestled, and as I lay in bed that night trying to sleep while the neighbors blaring music and drunken singing prevented me from sleeping, my mind raced with all the reasons I might be struggling. Who knew God could use party music to force us to confront brokenness.
At about 2:30 am I finally drifted off only to wake up at 6:30 am to wrestle again. Normally sleep is not an issue for me, so this felt like something more. It’s humorous how sometimes a sleep-deprived mind is more open to the Holy Spirits correcting and movement then a rested one. Perhaps we simply don’t have the energy to resist anymore. I sat with my coffee and pondered what in the world this mixed bag of emotional muddiness was, finally, the Holy Spirit spoke with quiet clarity. It’s time to give up control, its time trust me in your leadership. It finally hit me; I was so terrified of losing control that even in this small area I was mentally freaking out. I wanted to have a say in calling the shots, and felt threatened by not having a position from which to do that. As I whispered ok and prayed for grace to give up control, I sensed the Holy Spirit speak something more.
“I’ve invested too much into your leadership over past 6 years for you not to live out your gifting, it’s just going to look differently”
What a comfort those words were, that even in correction God still calls us to walk into a deeper calling of who he has created us to be. Even when it can feel like he’s sidelining us he is still affirming identity and purpose. After all the wrestling I finally had peace. An hour later I was pulled aside and told exactly that, that I wasn’t going to be a TL for the next several months but that I was to still use the leadership attributes God’s given me to support the team and TL who was leading it.
There is a profound power in letting the Holy Spirit guide and direct our lives. He is the only one who can truly see our hearts and who knows the plans and purposes He has destined for us. What I’ve had to learn over the years, and in particular over the past couple months, is that it is not enough to simply trust God as I would a person. Rather, I must trust that God is perfectly, unexplainably, and deeply good. His goodness is so worth trusting that when he points out areas of growth or asks us to change its because there is something so much better than what we currently hold. I pray that my heart will always trust that goodness from him.
