Love

You may have been able to guess because of the title of this blog, but I am going to write about love. About how I have experienced God’s love in such a raw way. 

 

Before I can do that though, I feel like I need to lay down some background.

Although I am often described as confident and so sure of who I am. I often struggle with identity. Sometimes I care WAY TOO MUCH about what people think about me. Sometimes I feel extremely alone even when surrounded by people. Sometimes I make choices simply because I don’t want to disappoint people. Sometimes I look at my friends and get so jealous of their outward beauty. I am simply insecure. 

 

Those thoughts are NOT truths though.They are not from the man who LITERALLY created me and knows every hair on my head.

 

 

For three weeks now I have been in Swaziland. We care for and love on children nearly every single day here and the Lord has spoken through these kids in unreal, but massive ways. 

 

I want to share just one of the ways God has spoken through these children and squeezed truth into my soul. 

 

Children here are FASCINATED with touching my head. I know that sounds so silly and weird, but I promise you it’s real. They are constantly brushing hair out of my eyes, playing with my hair, literally feeling ALL over my face, and sometimes the kids simply hold my face in their hands. 

From day one this has confused me so much. Why are these kids fascinated with my head? Why are they not feeling up any of my teammates heads? Is God trying to teach me something through this? 

 

God had not answered those questions for the past three weeks, but today I understand. 

 

See, last night my team did something called “super feedback.” Super feedback is basically a time to challenge and encourage each other. For each person on the team we had to share something we love and see in them, and after something we think they could work on improving. 

 

 

THIS WAS HARD FOR ME

I have always thought I had conquered that aspect of my faith journey. I thought that I had taken big strides in how I think about myself and that was enough. Boy was I wrong. God had simply peeled the outer shell of the onion.

 

After feedback, I sat in silence just waiting on God to speak to me. I was confused and slightly embarrassed that others knew I was not as confident as I pretended to be. I told God this and waited. But during those moments, God did not give me what I specifically wanted. I wanted to hear something clearly from him, but he wanted me to sit in his presence. He just wanted me to speak to him, to rely on him, to be still. 

 

This morning, though, God spoke loud and clear to me. 

I found myself at church with another adorable child sitting in my lap.

A child simply embracing my face with her tiny dark hands. 

“What the heck God?” 

“Why does this keep happening?”

 

And all of a sudden, looking into the cutest brownest eyes: I saw myself as God sees me.

I knew the reason children kept holding my face was because God was trying to show me my own beauty. 

I knew the reason children brush hair out of my eyes is because they should be seen. 

 

I know now that I want to live by the truth of Psalm 139 everyday. 

 

Specifically, verses 13 and 14. 

 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and Wonderfull made; your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well.” 

 

Each day, I want to wake up and ask myself “Do you know that full well?” 

 

So today, I want to boldly say: I am beautiful, I am strong, I am not alone, I am confident, I am sometimes not confident, I am seen, and I am immensely loved by God.

 

You may wonder why I wrote that this blog would be about love. It is because the gospel is love. It is because the grace God has given me and all of my insecurities is love. It is because the children here are love. My team is love. Super feedback is love. Answered prayers are love. Unanswered prayers are also still love. 

 

Being a follower of Christ, is simply love.