About three weeks ago I was laughing so hard with my best friends that I almost peed my pants ~ per usual~ so naturally, I ran full force to the bathroom just to have my head met with a closed door. Resulting in a concussion. Concussions are honestly nothing new for me so I wasn’t that worried about it, after about four days of being concussed it wasn’t getting better but it was getting worse. Leadership made me go to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. My squad mentor, Kacie Tillman, took me and my team leader, Bernadette, who accidentally got a concussion that morning to the hospital. So I spent my entire 20th birthday at an ER in Costa Rica. They showed me what it looks like to find joy in the chaos and frustration that day. Probably one of the most memorable birthdays if you ask me.
For the rest of the week, I was forced to stay back at the base all day to let my brain heal. If you know me, then you probably know I hate to slow down and rest. I’m not good at letting myself slow down, listening to my body, and missing out on what everyone else is doing. I was angry because I didn’t come here to sit around the house and sleep like I could do back home in Oregon, I came here to do the thing. To impact the lives of others. To learn more about Jesus’ heart and to show that love to others. I struggled heavy staying home that week. I knew I needed to rest to heal but I didn’t want to let myself do that. I thought resting meant I was lazy, weak, didn’t want to do the work we came here for, and so on.
The first day I spent home I slept in five different spots of the base. My day looked like sleep, get up, drink water, take medicine, move and repeat. I couldn’t sleep in one place for too long without feeling anxious that I wasn’t doing something. At one point I grabbed my bible and journal because I was sad I missed devos with the squad that morning. The simple act of just trying to focus on reading hurt my head. I sat in a hammock angry because not only was I held back from ministry but I felt like I couldn’t spend time with God which was all I wanted to do. That was dramatic and not true at all, I don’t have to be able to read the word to be in his presence I can just simply talk to him. When the squad got home in the afternoons, I didn’t want to express the struggles I was dealing with emotionally because I wanted to soak up all the time around people I could before being alone again the next day. I tried my hardest to act like I was okay and like my head wasn’t hurting. That Thursday came and honestly, I hit rock bottom. I cried almost the entire day. I was frustrated as I tried to put the pieces together to figure out what the Lord was teaching me through all this. I knew there was a lesson but I couldn’t figure out what that was yet. I know how I process things so I was happy that I finally hit my lowest point because I knew once I let myself feel that hurt then it would start to make sense to me.
Two Fridays ago my team was leaving for an overnight ministry trip, that morning I woke up hoping that I’d get to go with them. I didn’t get to. I was told that afternoon I couldn’t go this time, at that point I hadn’t done any ministry in over a week. I got the news while sitting next to two of my best friends here, I didn’t say anything as I walked away to be alone. I sat on the front porch crying and screaming at God. Over and over I’d cry “please just tell me what you’re teaching me”. I watched the rain pour as I listened to some worship music and sat in that pain. The Lord gifted me three words, “to be still”. I sat there thinking, okay so I got an answer, what the heck do I do with that?! I sat in that the rest of the day as teams went back out for the second half of their ministry and mine left for the weekend. Slowly I started to piece it together. Saturday night I was talking to my squad mentor, Kacie, I was turning me staying home all week into a joke but she saw past that very quickly as she knows to rest and slow down is hard for me. She looked me in the face and said: “maybe the Lord is trying to teach you to be still”. I smiled, acknowledged what she said and quickly moved on when really on the inside I was screaming at how crazy cool God works. Fast forward to Sunday morning, a few of us listened to a podcast on sabbath where, of course, the same three words were mentioned. To be still. Over and over this phrase has been popping up in my life since getting my concussion.
TO BE STILL.
When you come on the race they make it a huge priority to teach racers what it looks like to sabbath. To let your body do things that are restful for you so that you are living from a place of rest. I didn’t think the Lord would make me take a week to push this rhythm deep into me but he knows me better than I know myself and knows what I need before I need it. I’ve always been such a busy on-the-go type of gal and I love that about myself. However, I’ve always been someone who crashes at the end of that. In the past, sometimes I’d go a month before letting myself stop to rest and most of the time when I did stop it was because I felt myself crashing. The Lord has been teaching me a lot about what it looks like to be his chosen one and that with being his chosen one he’s also put a rhythm of rest in place for me. He’s teaching me that I need to put myself first more often because if I don’t do what’s healthy + life-giving to me then I can’t pour into those around me. Yes, it’s hard to sit back from ministry or to be at ministry and tell my team I need to take a minute away from the loudness. This last week a few leaders mentioned how their body is a temple. Something I often forget. I’m learning how to treat the Father’s temple with the love, grace and rest it deserves. I’m realizing that to take care of myself more is also a way to worship the father. I’m still learning how to be still. A journey I didn’t expect to go through so early on in the race.
I think I’m finally starting to understand the lesson that came out of staying home all those days, I believe the Lord wanted to use that time to teach me to slow down and be still but more than that I think he wanted to teach me what exactly it is that brings me rest. What does Cass like to do to feel rested and filled up? I learned I love reading the word whenever I can, listening to music makes me feel at home, writing helps me process, my coffee addiction grows when I take time to rest and that’s okay, painting is a fun time even if it doesn’t look how I imagined, I learned I do have a very tiny touch of introvert in me, I’ve started to like movies again, podcast are actually interesting, I still love obsessing over the sky God paints for us each night, the list could go on and on. The Lord has used this first month to teach me so much about myself. He’s given me new dreams, visions, and desires. He’s teaching me what the gifts are He’s placed inside of me and how I can use those. I’m thankful for a God who uses bad situations for His good and thankful that he’s teaching me new things about myself every day. I’m beginning to enjoy days or even moments filled with rest. I’m enjoying the process of teaching myself to slow down which is something I never thought I’d say. God is always on the move so I don’t have to be, instead, I get to be still.
I’d like to thank everyone for the prayers, my head is starting to feel a lot better. I got to go to ministry this last weekend and have slowly been able to get back into the swing of things. Thank you all so much for your love and encouragement during these last few weeks. As always, thanks for reading.
Love always, Cass
