As many of you know, if you read my “why now” blog, when I originally applied for the race, I had chosen route 4: Costa Rica, Cambodia, & Swaziland. I then strongly felt what I thought was God pushing me to go on route 6: Swazi, Thailand & Nicaragua, with a close friend from my hometown. However, things change, and God speaks to each of us in many ways and through many people. In this case, God put it on my friends’ heart that we should not go on this journey together anymore. Receiving that news in a text during my dance class hit me like a wrecking ball. I was a mess. Angry, confused, hurt, discouraged for this journey and lost. Ever since I switched over to route 6, I’ve had this tiny voice in the back of my head saying, “Route 4”. A feeling that I kept ignoring and didn’t tell anyone about. Always wondering “what if I stuck with route 4” but ignored since I was eager to take this leap with someone who would make me feel comfortable. Earlier this week, my friend and I discussed switching routes in order for us to be on separate routes. I explained to both her and our advisor for route 6 that I felt if anyone were to switch routes then I should. After many tears, hard conversations, and emotions. Okay, I won’t sugar coat it, it was a very difficult situation and decision to make. I found myself driving and screaming at God as if he was in the passenger seat of my Jeep. If you read my last blog post, you know that I’ve been in a very tough dry season. Feeling distant and frustrated. So, for me, this was the last thing I wanted to deal with.
Screaming and crying out in confusion, I felt God saying to me “let me realign you”. With that I was very confused what that meant. Frustrated and still angry. I went to my chiropractor appointment and of all places that’s where it began to make a little sense. I’ve taken his plans and twisted them into my own wants and needs. When I get adjusted at the chiropractor, he pops things and realigns my back. This always comes with pain and hurt but in the end, it always leaves me feeling better. I think this is what God was saying to me. Yes, this transition is going to cause pain and hurt. But just like I trust my chiropractor isn’t making things worse when he adjusts my back, I trust that this is God’s plan for me and in the end will be for the better. He’s realigning our routes to be the original plans he had for each of us.
Truth is, I’m terrified. Terrified to leave my family behind at this point in my life. Terrified of not being in Monmouth with my friends next year. Terrified to get added to all the group chats and have to reintroduce myself to a new route at what feels like so late in the game. Terrified that my friendship with my hometown friend will become more distant through this new plan. Terrified with the unknowns. Terrified at the realization that this horrible dry season I’ve been in is probably due to me not listening to the feeling that kept pushing me back to Route 4. I’m hurt and confused why we felt so strongly we should go together just to end back up on our original paths. Even more hurt knowing I wasn’t able to accept this on my own.
To be humbled to the realization that I haven’t been living a life listening to what God has for me these last few months, as I ignored my feeling pulling me back to route 4, is a tough pill to swallow. I’m thankful for the people God has placed in my life and the things each person has taught me. Even in these dry seasons. More specifically, I’m thankful for my friend on another route. Thankful that God gave her the heart and the courage to speak up. To see both the good and the bad of it and be okay with letting go of the comfortableness we had by going together. Thankful that he spoke this on her heart and that, regardless of the mess that came with it, ultimately each of us are going for the much greater purpose of serving him.
All and all, I’ve realized I’ve been lacking one key thing: trust. As I was driving screaming at God as if he was in my passenger seat one of my favorite worship songs came on: “So Will I” by Hillsong United. The song sings “For if everything exist to life you high, so will I. If the wind goes where you send it, so will I” a sweet reminder to remember. Ultimately, this is the reason I applied for the race. To lift Him high. I never expected to have this sudden change of plans but I’m trusting where he’s sending me and that this will be for the better for each of us.
So, Route 4 here I come!!! More than happy to be in this new place and begin this journey all over again with my new squad. I know God has big things in store with this change and I cannot wait to see that through!
If you made it this far, thanks for reading the harder parts of my heart in this journey. I’m extremely thankful for each of you and the support you’ve shown me. Thankful for my pal listening to her heart and humbling me to the realization that we were caught up in our own plans rather than His plans. Thankful to be realigned. Good luck to all of route 6, y’all are amazing and I can’t wait to watch each of you kill it out there for the kingdom! I’ll send my love from Route 4. <3
Thanks again for reading.
Catch ya next blog!
Love y’all, Cass
