First, I want to start this blog with an apology. I know I should have written this blog a long time ago. You all have supported me for the last year in prayer, and financially. You are the reason I was even able to go on the World Race and I couldn’t sit down for two hours and update you that it ended. So I’m sorry and here it is after two and a half months.
My Race is over, and yet I couldn’t make myself write this blog because that would mean it was real. That would mean that I truly did lose the last two months of my Race and that I’m not going back. In the span of less than 24 hours the thing that I trusted to be consistent was taken away from me. I started the Race knowing it was nine months… never in a billion years would I have thought that I wouldn’t be able to finish it. If you would have told me that my World Race gap year was going to end as quickly and abruptly as it did I would have thought you were lying. I counted on those months to grow deeper in my friendships, to build relationships in my community, to say goodbye well, to experience Cambodia, to become more disciplined, to become who I believed the Lord was going to make me by the end of my nine months, but that was all taken away. Now a month later here is where I am at… I’m learning to trust Jesus and to declare that he is good even when I am disappointed, frustrated and it seems like he has failed me. The truth is I never doubted that God was in control. From the moment we got the email telling us that Adventures in Missions was pulling all their teams off the field I strongly believed that the Lord was going to use this for his good, that he knew before I was even born that this was going to happen, and I chose to believe he had his hand in all of it.
My grief comes in stages. I am back in Thailand with my family and I am so thankful, but there are nights where I lay in my bed and remember the last seven months of my life and cry out to the Lord. “Why me Jesus?” “Why now?” “What do you want to teach me through this?” I remember sitting in the airport after I had said goodbye to my entire squad as they left for the states and I waited for my flight to Thailand. I made a list… things I wanted to do, places in my life I still wanted to grow, and ultimately I tried to think of reasons why the Lord would bring me home… I thought maybe to build a better relationship with my family, maybe I had already learned everything I needed to learn, maybe I am ready to dive into what it means to live for Christ no matter the situation. Maybe those things are still true… but it is way harder than I thought it would be. The first few weeks of being home I felt everything was fine. I didn’t cry or get sad I was where I was supposed to be, but one day while I was worshipping and sitting in my room talking with Jesus he told me I needed to grieve. He even went as far as breaking down my wall and telling me that just because I grieved didn’t mean I don’t trust him, which was something I didn’t even know I was believing until he told me that. Every time I think about the way my Race ended it seems like there is something pulling on my heart and my eyes start to water because that was not my plan. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life when I was on the Race. Yes, it was hard sometimes but I loved getting up early and spending time with Jesus, I loved going to ministry and loving the people around me and serving them, I loved being with my friends and laughing and learning together. I loved the quiet afternoons of worship and crazy dinner meals. I loved sitting together in the community and talking late into the night. I loved the bugs, and the dirt, and sleeping outside. I miss the 4 am temple music and the sweaty and fiery heat of Cambodia, and I just want to get my two months back and live again in this place where I fully rely on Jesus and get up in the morning knowing that today is the day that I get to live for him. There is no reason I can’t live that way here at home, but for some reason, it’s harder to get up early, it’s harder to see the miracles and amazing things he is doing, it’s harder to worship, and it’s harder to see what he is doing. I’ve struggled with the wifi and the temptation to want to do something every moment of my day. I’ve struggled with having no purpose or reason to get up each day. I’ve struggled to glorify God when I’m stuck inside. I find myself lacking the motivation to do anything especially spend time with God but at the same time that’s really all I want to do. It’s like Paul says in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. “.
Despite all the pain and hurting and disappointment that goes into grief, there is something beautiful about it too. A couple of Sundays ago, my family and I did an online church and the pastor was preaching on John 11 which is when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. The entire story was so encouraging to me. In verse six it says Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus and SO he waited two days to come to Bethany. He knew something they didn’t, and his plan was so much better than what they could have ever imagined. And yet when Jesus finally arrived four days after Lazarus’ death he wept with them knowing full well that he was going to bring the dead to life. Sometimes that’s all I need, to remember that God has a bigger and better plan than I can see and that when I’m hurting He is right there with me weeping with me.
For so long, I was searching for the why behind it. Why did COVID 19 have to take away something I loved so much? Why would God allow it? What was his purpose in all of it? Recently, I read Acts 27-28. It’s the story of when Paul’s ship is shipwrecked and he is abandoned on an island for three months. While I was reading this scripture I found myself in Paul’s place. He spends fourteen days in a storm on a ship he knows will be destroyed, and not because of anything he did. He warned the sailors not to sail yet they did anyway and it seems like Paul has to reap the consequences. An angel reassures him he won’t die because the Lord has a bigger battle waiting for him in Rome, but yet Paul still has to suffer through the storm. They find an island but there is no comfort there. It is raining and cold, but the islanders are kind. They make them a fire and as Paul begins to help them he gets bitten by a poisonous snake! It’s like there is no relief, and yet Paul never questioned once why it was all happening. He trusted God completely. Even though Paul couldn’t see it the Lord was doing something. Paul is fine after the snake bite and he earns the islanders respect. A couple of days later Paul learned that the Chief’s father is sick, and so Paul prays for his father and heals him. And after that, he heals the rest of the village. It is easier sometimes to just want to know “What’s the plan, God?” Reading this gave me a new perspective. It’s not my job to know what He’s doing, that’s His job. I’m simply meant to trust Him and to be expectant to listen and follow. Maybe I’m not back here for me but for someone else. I know that God is good and so even when my days feel like they are filled with nothingness I need to choose to listen for the little things the Lord is calling me to do.
For example, recently I started working at a children’s home and I get to volunteer and be apart of some kid’s lives who are just waiting for their new mommy and daddy. I don’t do much other than play with the kids and teach them a lesson for an hour to two hours. I struggled at first being there and feeling like it was a job, but I think it’s a gift and an opportunity that I get to do ministry again. I get to pour into some people’s lives even if it is just playing with the kids or listening to the staff. I feel like the Lord has to continually reteach me how to live for him and trust him with my life. I know I want to die for Christ but sometimes I struggle with living for him. It seems like it would be so much easier to just accept the gift and move on with my old life, but that’s not how it works. I can do all the right things and yet still be empty because what are all those good things worth if they aren’t to glorify the Lord. The best moments of my Race were when I had my eyes turned towards Jesus and it felt like nothing could take them from Him. I want to be honest and say being home was a much harder challenge than I ever thought it would be, but thank God for a God who is always with me and waiting for me even when I mess up. He is there with his arms wide open.
I am so grateful to be where I am and to have my family around me and a ministry. Thank you for all your support this past year. You have no idea how much you played a part in my journey. God is good all the time and I am right where I’m supposed to be.
