Dear Jesus,
Why am I here? My expectation have crushed my reality and I am left feeling disappointed. Last night the squad all shared stories of growth ad I felt like I didn’t have one amazing story to share. I know you God and that you are working all around me, but selfishly I want to be breastfed again (1 Peter 2:2) and be completely dependent and in awe of you. I want to experience you in a new way. I keep hoping and waiting to see how where I’m at right now is really your plan and that you are going to bring something out of this, but I can’t see it. Help me at least have the eyes to see how this is a part of your plan for me!
Your daughter,
Ashlyn
My beloved Ashlyn,
I want more for you than you can see. Before you can go and make disciples I want you to experience true intimacy with me. My child, be content in the process. I want to grow you in ways you never thought of. I am bigger than your expectations and I can move in a way that will benefit you more than how you want me to grow you. Seek me and you will find me when you seek me with everything inside of you. (Jeremiah 29:13)Trust me and what I am doing for I know what is best for you. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Love,
Abba
This is a prayer I took directly from my journal and the response I heard from God. I wrote it at a time when I was trying so hard to make the most out of a ministry where I didn’t see fruit, where I felt useless and unwanted, and insignificant. It became so easy to ask the question, “What am I doing here?” I looked back at the last two months of ministry and it became a cry to God, “Was this ministry fruitful? Was this really Your plan for the last two and a half months? Where is my story?”
One of the reasons I came on the Race was to learn to passionately and devoutly live life for God every single day no matter the circumstances. I expected miracles and amazing stories of transformation. Little did I realize that maybe God wanted to work on me a little more first. He truly wanted to show me how in the ordinary he is still working even when I can’t see it. When I go back to college or whatever comes next I most likely will not experience God in the biggest and craziest ways, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t there. I have walked through two and half months of being in Ecuador asking the question is this really what you wanted God? And even though it’s hard to understand I know that he perfectly placed me where I am, maybe my purpose was not to disciple high schoolers as I wanted or to be apart of healing someone. I thought I was coming on the Race to serve in extravagant ways and I’ve learned recently that maybe it’s a little less about me bringing God to everyone else, but that it’s about God taking me on a journey of discovering more of who He is, and through that, He will use me. From a young age I have always wanted to live the most extraordinary life, I wanted to be one of those missionaries who have books written about them and have the craziest and most mind-blowing stories to tell about how God used them, but God never in the Bible says follow me and I will make you famous and you will be remembered for all you have done for me. He simply wants us to praise Him and have the goal of making Him smile. I was made to please God not man, so whatever I do should be for God even if it is simply teaching English, sweeping the floor, or smiling at someone. I want to be poured out as an offering to be used in whatever way God deems best for because He knows. I’m at a point in my life where God is showing me where he is in the ordinary. I have faith that he can do the big and crazy stuff. I don’t need to see them to believe that my God is big enough and powerful enough to do them.
The last couple of months since learning this I have realized that God is showing me how to truly fall in love with Him, and through that give Him my everything. I know that He has so much in store for me that I can’t even see, and I trust that He knows what is best for me. First, He has to know He can trust me with the small things to entrust with the big. I am so excited for what is next. Cambodia is only 2 weeks away!!!
I always love reading your comments and responses to what I am learning. I apologize for the lack of blogs since being in Ecuador, but just so you know my entire notes are filled with future blogs. Thank you all for loving and supporting through these last six months. You are appreciated more than you know.
