Did you know that in the Bible God tells us 87 times that he will never leave us or forsake us? These are the words the Lord whispered to me over and over again during the ten days at training camp. My biggest fear going on this journey with the World Race was the lie that because I was a missionary kid and grew up overseas no one would understand me, I wouldn’t connect with anyone, and subconsciously I believed I would never belong. I thought I had overcome this fear before going to training camp but as I arrived and tried to reach out to my squadmates I felt unconnected and isolated. I struggled to find common ground with my squad, while they talked about popular vines, songs, and dances I was faced with the reality that even though America is my birth country I was struggling to fit into a new culture. I wanted to just be myself but it was so hard. I knew that God was with me but I still felt so lonely. In the midst of all these emotions and feelings, my family was on their way back to Thailand without me. I remember face-timing them while they were in the airport and hearing the call for their flight. They were leaving me in this country that wasn’t my home, where I didn’t have any friends and I felt more homesick and alone than ever. As my squad sat in a circle laughing and talking I was in the corner crying. That night I just needed to talk with someone to speak out everything I was feeling and thankfully I had the courage to ask one of the team leaders to talk. During that talk, I said things I knew but wasn’t believing and it struck me how even though I felt alone I really wasn’t. I asked myself why was I doing the World Race in the first place, and as I looked back over the last two years I saw that God was faithful through it all. From first hearing about the World Race and getting so excited about it that I was dancing in my kitchen to waiting eagerly until the day applications opened to almost being fully funded (at that point I only needed about $300). God never left me. His hand never let go of me. I was right where I needed to be no matter how hard it was because he had put me there. He had called me. One night at our worship sessions God said through the worship leader, “You belong”. Those two words carried me through the next ten days. Whenever something was hard like a fitness hike or I felt lonely I remembered those two words and I felt God being proud of me. I can’t describe the feeling but it made every struggle past, present, and future worth it. I was obeying my father, he had put me right where I was with my squadmates for a reason, which I already knew in my head but now I believed it.
God challenged me during training to seek his voice through his word and it was an incredible as I would open my Bible and the passage would speak to my heart for what I needed to hear. One of the biggest and most life-changing things he told me was this, “You shall not make for yourself a carved image or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God“. {Exodus 20:4-5} I realized that I had made an idol out of my squadmates. I was wanting their love so much that at one point their love had become more important to me than God’s. I was putting my worth on the way they thought about me. I read those verses and felt like God was telling me “You’re hurting me. I love you so much that I died for you. I want all of you, that’s how much I love you. I don’t want to share you with anyone.” I was basically telling God his love wasn’t good enough for me by yearning so much for love from my squad. All we need is Jesus to be content for the rest of our lives. Once I understood that and leaned into his love I was full. I was free and all the sudden I could be myself. A couple of days later I walked to lunch with my squad and asked my friend what her tattoo meant that was in Greek or Hebrew and she told me it meant content. It was such confirmation that all I needed was Jesus.
Training was ten long days full of sessions, squad time, and cultural training. We slept in tents, took cold bucket showers, endured the bug bites and the daddy longlegs constantly trying to infiltrate our tents. We had to brush our teeth in the woods and use porta-potties, but in the midst of the uncomfortable God was moving and changing us. We saw actual miracles! We heard God speak every day. We witnessed baptisms of our brothers and sisters in Christ. And we grew to love each other.
By the end of the week, I didn’t want to leave my new friends. God had completely changed my fear into love for these people. He did so much in my heart in just ten days. He showed me that he wants all of me and he gave me everything. Not even my breath is mine; he breathes his life, love, and hope into me. I was challenged to open the sails of my heart. In a sailboat, the sails are most safe when closed, but then the boat doesn’t go anywhere. It takes courage and vulnerability to open the sails. The wind (Holy Spirit) then fills up the sails and stretches it the maximum and begins to go. Likewise, I want to be stretched and bold and I want God to fill me up and go. {Matthew 28:19-20} He told me that I only need him to be content, I belong, I am more loved than I’ll ever know, he is bigger than my emotions, and I am never alone.
I can’t even imagine what the next nine months are going to look like, but I am so so excited and ready to become whatever God wants me to be. I am excited to experience more freedom, more miracles, more love, and hope.
