One of the reasons I wanted to do the World Race was to gain experience in living for Christ, every single moment of my life. I wanted to learn how to wake up with the one goal of serving Him and accomplishing His plan for the day. I’ve never yearned for that feeling more than I have these last few months.
When my senior year started in high school, my heart was completely towards God and my life was overflowing with his goodness. I was in a space of relationship with Christ. He was the first and last person I would talk to when I woke up and when I fell asleep. Then life got in the way and I experienced anxiety for the first time. The more things got out of my control, the more I wanted to control them. I was constantly stressed and behind in my work. I lacked sleep from late nights and I couldn’t continue with everything I’d committed to at the beginning of the year. I felt like a failure and I wanted to fix my life, but God seemed too far out of my reach. I almost felt like my relationship with God had become another thing on my to-do list, so I pushed Him away. Now that I look back, I see that other things took the position of God, like my schoolwork or electronics. I unconsciously lied to myself that because I couldn’t feel Him, He wasn’t there, but I knew better. One night my bible study girls were sharing prayer requests and they were telling me about how they were doubting their faith because they didn’t feel God. I had struggled with this my freshman year and I remember my mentor telling me that God was bigger than my emotions. Emotions are unstable and untrustworthy. God isn’t like that. He is always there. Our faith shouldn’t be based on whether we can or cannot feel His presence because we know He is so much bigger than what we feel.
Honestly, I haven’t gotten back to that place I was at the beginning of this year, I’m not even sure if I’ve felt God these past couple months, but I am so thankful that God is loyal. He’s like the perfect friend who is always there for you, and at the same time, an awesome God who isn’t bound by our expectations. I don’t know why God chose me for the World Race or what His plan for my life is over the next year, but I do know despite my emotions and busy schedule, He will use me for His plan. I want to follow His will to love people, and be willing to always say, “Thy will be done,” no matter where I am in life.
