You know I have pondered for about a week now about how to start this blog or what to write about. Should I start with the un-comfortability faced when sleeping in a tent when it is humid as heck or trying to eat crickets or freezing cold bucket showers? Or should I start with the amount of overwhelming love and grace and joy I found in Gainesville, Georgia? Or talk about the different cultures we experienced? All of this amazing and good but as I write I keep coming back to God’s pursuit towards me during training camp.
Training Camp was a lot all at once and to be honest, really really hard for me. Each day was filled with sessions and teachings, worship beyond belief, and preparation for life in other countries and on the field. I honestly expected all of this, but what I did not expect or pray for was the revival that was about to happen in my heart. Because of this the first couple of days were rough. I let every insecurity that had ever passed through my brain take control. I had feelings of doubt, unworthiness, and fear. I felt as if the bitterness and shame in my heart from who I was, was all anyone around me could see. I felt unworthy of getting to know all my squad mates, my team, and even those from other squads. I let insecurity and unforgiveness for myself and people in my life overtake who I was. I had the reigns of my life scrunched in my hands not letting God take hold. I lived my first four days in complete fear of rejection. Yet, here is the thing when we are living for God and in his plan he is going to provide. Even though I was holding back, not telling anyone that I was struggling with these feelings, God knew exactly what was affecting me. He knew if I kept living in fear that there would be no change. But his pursuit is constant and he is never not showing up. No matter what I felt he was right there waiting for me to see otherwise. So, on the 5th day he gave me every reason to change my heart.
On the 14th we had a morning worship in which someone from a different squad came to me and asked to pray over me. The prayer consisted of releasing the lies that the enemy has told me, to forgive the friends that have hurt me, and open my heart to getting rid of bitterness.
The next thing that happened was a girl came and found me after a session and told me that God was saying, “Let go!”
That night Bill Swann gave us a talk on Forgiveness. Talking about how Jesus is going for redemption. That forgiveness will set you free to God’s love. That we lose sight of how much we are forgiven by God, so forgive those around you because forgiveness is a part of the foundation of a Christian life.
That night I wrote in my journal, “ I am home because I am with you God. I know this is going to be hard, but I am LETTING GO, I am giving you the reigns. I am giving it ALL to you. No more holding back. I declare that the lies that I was believing have no hold on me. God I am for you. 100%. Please take away my bitterness and let forgiveness take over. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. “
This was my turning point. For the rest of the days I finally felt like me, but newer and freer. I saw the community God had set in front of me and the joy that all those people brought me. That there was no more shame or unworthiness. Instead I saw redemption and freedom building up inside people and inside myself. I got to see God work in miraculous ways, seeing him change hearts, healing people, and his word moving rapidly. I even got to get baptized at the end. Claiming my faith for my own again. My personal testimony to living in the grace, freedom, and love God has to offer to us.
God is so cool. I was filled with so much doubt of the plan he had set right before me that I allowed the Enemy to overtake my thoughts. But God was there open arms anyway. Seeing through my doubt. Seeing through my insecurities. Seeing through the fact that I was not relying on him and in fact turning myself away from him. No matter my sin the first four days he was still sitting there waiting for me to turn to him and say YES to him again. He is a constant God. A Good Good Father. A God of reckless, unconditional love. He is grace and redemption. He is all knowing, forgiving, and holy. He is remarkable and I am so thankful that I get to have a God that stands by my side. That actively pursues me. If this is what he can do over the course of Training Camp, I absolutely cannot wait to see these next 9 months.
-Anna Scott:)
Thank you for reading!
