Everyone’s asking the same questions these days.
“How are you feeling?!”
“Are you excited?!”
“Are you ready?!”
In just 20 days, life as I know it in America will cease to exist. I’ll be starting “launch” training at the Hilton Atlanta on the 9th of January, and flying to Jakarta, Indonesia on the 13th, for an 11 month—11 country missionary journey to share the love of God with the beautiful people of this world… LIKE WUT!? ** insert abrupt scream here** This isn’t a far off thing that’s about to happen anymore; it’s happening! And it’s more real and complicated and amazing than I could’ve ever imagined it being…But here’s my honest response to all the above questions: I don’t know how I’m feeling these days. And I’m learning that that’s okay.
I’ve been describing it to people lately this way. You know how all of the colors in the rainbow mixed together make black? Yet all of the colors are still present, right? But you can’t see or identify those individual colors anymore because they’re all mixed up into this new shade.
Similarly, it’s as if all of the emotions in the world are within me right now, but they’re all mixed together. They’re just bouncing around all over the inside of my heart and just leaving behind this heavy weight. And that weight and heaviness is really all I can identify at this time.
I’ve always been fearful of telling people that I break down. But the Lord has been revealing to me that there’s power in sharing the real hard things in life. And so that’s what I’m hoping to do with these words; to share with you that there are a lot of real hard things I’ve been walking through, far beyond what I can explain in a blog post.Honestly, I’ve been breaking down more than I would care to admit.
But here’s the thing: The last week especially was filled with lots of breakdowns. It was filled with lots of heavy weights, and feelings, and scary unknowns.
But today wasn’t.
Today was joyous, and fun-filled. Today was a lighter day. Today I spent 14 hours at my restaurant job and it was STILL incredible and life-giving in every sense. I came home in the midst of my rough week last night and I got into the Word. I quietly sat with the Lord to read my Advent devotional. I played “Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)” by Hillsong on repeat, and I let those words speak life over me:
”Take this mountain weight.
Take these ocean tears.
Hold me through the trial.
Come like hope again.”
Even when my strength is lost,
I’ll praise you.
Even when I have no song,
I’ll praise you.
Even when it’s hard to find the words;
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.
I will only sing your praise.”
I sang and listened and believed. And as sure as the Word tells us, I awoke this morning so much more refreshed; so much more relieved of the weighted emotions I’ve been holding onto. Because “His yoke is easy and His burden is light.” We were never meant to carry these loads of life on our own. I’m not, and neither are you.
By sharing this, I’m hoping that someone else may be able to relate. Maybe you’ve been breaking down lately. Maybe you’ve been crying more often than society tells you is “normal” these days. Maybe you’re reading this in the midst of a heartbreaking season with lots of emotions. Maybe you’re also launching into something huge in this next chapter of your life. Maybe you’re walking into an unknown future. Maybe you also have a heavy weight on your shoulders that you aren’t sure how to carry; or your concerned if you’re even equipped to carry it.
That’s where I’ve been lately. And I’m learning, slowly but surely, that the “laying down of burdens” is a daily occurrence that has to be a part of my life. It has to be prioritized into my busy, crazy day-to-day schedule.
Yesterday I was busy from morning to night, and felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders—but when I got home, I got still with Jesus, and I laid the world down at His feet. And you know what? He wasn’t upset with the burdens I brought to Him. He’s not overwhelmed with the prayer requests that I lift up that sometimes break my heart to pray (requests for both myself and people I love). He’s not annoyed that I’ve got the heaviest of heavy loads to bring to Him each and every day, and say “take this from me.” He’s actually honored by this. He’s glorified when I admit,“Lord I can’t do this without you.” He’s pleased with my obedience to follow what His gospel teaches me. He’s the Father that sits down at the end of the long day and says “Tell me about it, baby girl. I want to hear everything.”
He does this for me. And He wants to do this for you.
Ya know the craziest part? He truly does want to hear everything on your heart. Mark my words. James 4:8 reminds us,“Come near to God and He will come near to you.” I think sometimes we forget that to come near to Him, we have to first seek Him out. So often I expect God to just show up with the miracles in truck loads. And while that’s often the case for a God that’s as gracious and marvelous as He is, this relationship with a Holy God, is most certainly a two-way street. We have to show up too.
But sometimes that showing up simply exists in a prayer. It exists in a broken and desperate heart. It exists with a look up to the Heavens and declaring aloud that you know He’s there with you.
“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” (Psalm 51) He just wants us, ya’ll. He wants the mess, and the burdens, and the broken pieces, and the weights, and the loads. He wants all of us, just as we are.
Here are some of my take aways from this season:
It’s okay for me to feel everything I’m feeling// I’m learning that feeling more than most people feel is a gift—not a flaw. The world trains us to be strong and keep it together and to never let them see you break. But the breaking makes us more beautiful. Feeling makes us human. Having strong emotions means we have passion behind our hearts.
I love the idea of a mosaic being the format of a human life. It’s all these little pieces of colors and parts and experiences, yet when put into cement or glue or some kind of mold to hold the pieces together, it’s this extraordinary work of art. I like to think of my life as a mosaic and God is the mold that holds me together. He’s the one stable foundation to rely on when everything around me seems to be falling apart. He’s the only one that can take all of my messy, broken parts, and make them into something incredible. And I think He’s only just beginning that work of art within me right now. Maybe He’s just beginning the new work of art within you right now too. “We are His workmanship.” Let Him work. Wait. Get still. Let Him sculpt the tiny details. And watch the new creation of “you” come to life before your eyes.
It’s okay for me to cry out of sadness and have the joy of the Lord present at the same time// Even in the midst of all of this heaviness I’ve been feeling, I am continuing to declare God is good, and sovereign, and has everything under control that I don’t. I’m still savoring moments of utter bliss and tiny victories where I so clearly see Him moving through challenging circumstances; going before me. I’m continuing to hold onto the complete truth that even though all of this is hard, that it’s good, and that it’s for bigger purposes of His plans that I can’t remotely even understand or see yet. Regardless of the hard things, I’m still choosing to give up my life, and give Him my ‘yes.’
I shared these words with a friend on Wednesday while crying on a video message: “Everything’s just changing. And it’s good; like it’s so good! I guess at the end of the day, if I can sit here crying tears, but saying ‘I know He’s good, and that this is a good plan,’ then maybe that’s all that really matters, ya know? I think there’s strength that can come from that unsteady, unstable, ‘yes.’ And I just feel like my ‘yes’ is really shaky right now… But it is a ‘yes’—it’s just a ‘yes’ with tear filled eyes tonight.”
I’m learning the nights of tear-filled eyes, but a ‘yes’ to God in my heart, are sometimes the most meaningful ones//I’m learning it’s okay to be a little scared of the unknowns, yet still trust God. It’s okay to be super strong, and yet still have days where I feel weak. It’s okay to not always be the one holding it together just because I feel that that’s what I’m expected to do by the rest of the world. Cause in reality, that’s where I go wrong. I go wrong when I hold the expectations of the rest of the world above the expectations of Christ. Woah. Read that one again.
All too often, I base my success or my meaning or my purpose on the approval of others, rather than just on the Lord. I want to fit in (yeah, fam, even as a 29 year old adult). I want others to like me. I want to feel loved and approved of and accepted. But I have to remember, I already have that in Jesus. Jesus loved, approved of, fit me in, and accepted me for all of the messy me that I am when He willingly went to The Cross so that I could have everlasting life. Bro. That’s some heavy weight right there if I’ve ever heard it.
So to my own eyes, and anyone else’s that’s read this far, I hope you’ll remember these things. Go ahead and feel everything. Allow yourself to breakdown. And then allow stillness in a quiet place with Jesus to bring you back up. Come to Him in the midst of the mess instead of when you feel presentable and ‘ready.’ Bring it all to Him and lay it all down. Cry it out, but keep that ‘yes’ alive. His ‘yes’ to us is what gave us life. And lastly, if you’re going to give your life up to be completely sold out for Jesus, then sell out and do it, baby. Go all in for the gospel. Live against the grain of society. Be misunderstood. Let them look at you like you’re crazy. And then remember that they aren’t the ones that have control over your eternity in Heaven. They aren’t the ones that have been called (yet). They aren’t the ones with your gifts and your heart. So live out the truth He designed in you. Pick up the Cross He died on and follow Him. This life ain’t always easy; but gosh darnit, it’s worth it. He’s worth it. And you’re worth it. Your life and my life were worth His. Let’s start living like that.
I’m in the midst of good and hard if I’ve ever been in it, and I have no clue what’s next… but I do know He has my ‘yes.’ And for today, that’s all that matters to me.
