4 weeks. I officially leave for Peru 4 weeks from today.
I have not felt more ready to go than I do now. I also have not felt sadder to leave than I do now.
This last week has been filled with so many more emotions than I am used to. The biggest emotion currently has been sadness. When I miss people I love, I feel it in my chest. And it hurts. A lot. I laugh to myself though, because I haven’t even left and am already missing the people closest to me. I’ve also been extremely nostalgic recently, and almost anything can move me to tears. THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME. AHAHAHA.
I have cried more tears in the last few days, then I have in the last several months! I hate admitting that. It is hard for me to tell people how I’m feeling. If I was talking to you face to face, I’d most definitely be looking around the room, avoiding eye-contact, and these words would be so jumbled, as I explain what I have been feeling. That’s how uncomfortable this is for me. But I have seen the value in being honest and real with what’s been going on in my heart, as ugly and raw as it can be.
So yes, I have a hard time being honest about how I’m truly feeling. On the other hand, when I am honest about those hard feelings, I quickly point out the positive side. Recently though, the Lord’s been working in my heart and teaching me about the value in simply acknowledging how I’m feeling. When people ask me how I’m feeling about leaving, I usually answer, “Oh, I’m getting sad about having to say goodbye. But, I’m so excited!” However, I realized that it’s not a but, it’s an and. I am sad and I am excited. Just because I am sadder than ever, doesn’t mean I am less excited. The fact that I am more excited than ever does not change. It is possible for me to live in this duality of the two.
Through all of this wrestling with these emotions, there are two things that I keep coming back to.
First, God is kind. He is SO KIND. He is kind to be present in the middle of these ugly emotions. I understand that feelings can be fickle, and they may not reflect an objective reality. But also, our emotions are real. We have them for a reason. I studied the Psalms a few years ago and it completely changed how I looked at prayer and emotions. In so many different Psalms, the psalmist will be crying out to the Lord with raw emotions, and many times it follows with how kind or loving God is. The Lord is kind to be with me in the middle of this sadness I am feeling. He is kind to place people in my life who sit with me as I bawl my eyes out as I try to put words to how I’m feeling. Nothing will ever change this truth. He is SO KIND.
Second, obedience isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. Now don’t get me wrong. I have not lost a single ounce of excitement, whatsoever. I truly believe that I am obeying the Lord’s call by traveling to 11 countries in 11 months to share the Gospel with people. This excites me. Obeying God is sometimes hard, even when you can see the good and beauty in it. With this sadness that has grown in me, I am realizing how much harder it is to leave home for a year. I’m going to miss out on family events. I may miss fun outings with friends. There is so much I am going to miss. Following Jesus is not always easy, but wow! is it the best life or what?! But I know deep down that it is worth it! It is so worth it!
As I start pulling everything together to pack and get ready to say my goodbyes, I’m hoping that these next 4 weeks will be filled with coffee dates, random adventures, long phone calls, and just quality time with the people I love. But most of all, my biggest prayer is that the Lord continues to prepare my heart as I get to ready to begin the Race.
If you want to grab coffee sometime or just catch up before I leave, let me know as I would love to connect sometime over the next 4 weeks!
All the love,
Lys
