I’m Not Afraid of The Dark

 

To start off, I’ve been feeling stuck in a guilt, confusion, anger. Being in Nicaragua has been amazing, but every little thing I see reminds me of something from back in the Dominican Republic. 

For those of you who don’t know, I lived in the DR for about two years of my life back when I was 11 to 13. My family and I lived in and ran a Children’s Home. 

 

Now back to how being reminded of the DR makes me feel. Every little thing reminds me of either a moment or just life there. And it will vary from the littlest of things like the way the wind blows, or the dirt, or the way they build fences; to bigger things, like a child’s face or a day we shared with the children in this children’s home. 

 

I never truly understood (back when I was 13) why we left. Once we came back to the states I never took the time to understand and process all that happened. So now that God has placed me right back in a place that looks just like the one and only place I’ve called HOME, it’s difficult to sit in. 

 

Now my feelings of guilt are stemming from leaving the kids behind in the DR. I never fully forgave myself for that and it’s hard rebuilding relationships with the children here. Then having to turn right back around and leave them in three weeks. That’s going to be hard to have to process all over again, especially when I haven’t even finished processing my original feelings. 

 

Now I’m feeling confusion and anger because I know my family’s reasons for leaving the DR but I still don’t understand Gods reasons for having me leave all my other family behind. And I’m angry at him for it because I loved them all so much. I couldn’t understand why he would make me leave people I love. 

 

Now I want to explain the title of this blog: I’m Not Afraid of The Dark. I’ve been listening to this song (it’s not a worship song) called I’m Not Afraid of the Dark. It’s from the new Spider-Man movie, but it’s been relating to me on a much deeper level than just a movie soundtrack. My emotions towards the situation and God feel like a darkness. I have been afraid of processing and taking the time to take care of myself in that area. I’m afraid of what it might bring out in me. I’m afraid of what God might reveal through processing. There is just a lot of fear. 

 

So I am taking those emotions and letting myself feel them, as much as it hurts. 

 

I’m facing the darkness!

 

I am telling it to leave!

 

I am a light and I will feel light!

 

I DECLARE ALL DARKNESS TO LEAVE!