God is really redefining what love is. He is showing me that His love, who He is, is not at all what I have always thought love was. I thought love was that butterflies in the stomach feel good and happy kind of feeling. But God’s love is the the kind of love that gives entire nations in exchange for His people (isa 42)… entire nations of people killed and left devastated, on Gods behalf. Babies killed in plagues to show His might (exo 11). Is that love? What does that say about God’s character? The God that desires to live among us, but requires blood sacrifice. What does that say? The God that gives us laws about female slaves and their babies belonging to their master indefinitely (exo 21). The God that requires priests to wash themselves before entering His presence or they will die (exo 30). These are not describers of the all loving God that I have heard about…
In Panama I remember feeling so defeated in trying to connect with God as I found myself in an odd funk. I was in the mountains, surrounded by the coolest people, excellent beer and coffee, and had the freedom to spend as much time as I wanted in the word. It was my perfect situation to connect, but it seemed like every word I read and every conversation I had left me with 1,000 questions. I found myself questioning everything about what I believed about God and myself. I made the mistake of detaching from my team and community and letting my thoughts and questions consume my mind. I pushed against anything that promoted God as the love I could understand. So my prayer became “God show me your character. I want to know not what or why You do things, but who You are.” I felt like He was leading me to exodus. I pushed back on that also, as I don’t have much background in the Old Testament and tend to want to focus on Jesus (PSA: did you know that Jesus shows up in the Old Testament frequently?). After the Spain debrief was covered in scripture from exodus, I submitted, knowing full well this was going to be a difficult wrestle.
But wrestling with the Lord always creates intimacy with Him.
I flipped to exodus and so continued the most difficult season on the race (and maybe my Christian life) so far. It seemed like every other sentence prompted more questions and even more frustration, but I continued to press in. It has taken me a full 90 days to get through exodus but I have learned so much about who God is and what His love says. I have had some really cool revelations but it wasn’t until exodus 32 that I was able to see a glimpse of Gods loving heart.
Moses goes up the mountain to meet with God and he stays there 40 days. In just 40 days the Israelites change their hearts away from God and begin worshipping the golden calf. These are the people God saved from Egypt after being oppressed for 430 years. The same people that God split the Red Sea for. God provided manna for them for forty years in the dessert. God led them by a pillar of fire, always going before them. God gave them the tabernacle so they could live with God’s presence among them. These are the people God gave the law to so they would know what their sins are. The people God refused to let defeat touch them…. and in just 40 days they forget all that God has done for them and chose to worship a stupid statue of a cow!!
Can you imagine how deeply that hurt Him?
How deeply devastated He may have felt?
By all accounts He had every right to be enraged and hurt. He tells Moses to leave him so he can destroy these “stiff-necked” people. Moses begs God to remember His promises, to not let all He has demonstrated be for nothing, to save the Israelites… and in verse 14 it says “then the Lord relented and did not bring on His people the disaster He had threatened.” God relented. He chose not to destroy these people who turned their backs on him.
WHY?? Because He loved them.
Stop. Read that again. If it doesn’t have have you on your knees, in shock and awe of Gods mighty love go read it for yourself and ask Him to show you His heart and character.
God relented. He didn’t have to. He doesn’t need humans. He could have even used another group of people that was far more deserving and obedient to carry out his plan. But He relented because He loved them. He loves us.
Every question I have… every time I ask my favorite question of “why?” the answer always seems to be the same….
Why? Because He loves me. He loves them. He loves us. It’s the simplest and yet the most complex idea all at the same time.
Gods character IS love. And even more, He:
Remembers (exo 2:24)
Hears (exo 2:24)
Sees (exo 2:25)
Is concerned (exo 3:7)
Is present (exo 3)
Appears (exo 3 and 6)
Fights for us (the whole Bible, see exo 14))
Is vigil (exo 12:42)
Prepares (exo 13)
Goes before (exo 13)
Is trustworthy (exo 14)
Heals (exo 15:26)
Provides (exo 16)
Is jealous (exo 20)
Is compassionate (exo 22:27 and exo 34)
Wants to live among his creation (exo and the whole Bible)
Keeps promises (exo 32)
Is slow to anger (exo 34)
Is faithful (exo 34 and the whole Bible)
Forgives (exo 34 and the whole Bible)
The truth is, I can’t even begin to imagine all that God is. I can’t imagine the immense love He has for us. I can’t imagine the pain He feels when we turn against Him, but I am so thankful that the God of the universe loves me so much that He relents. I am so thankful that He doesn’t stop pursuing us and He never runs out of second chances to give, even when we hurt Him deeply and certainly don’t deserve His grace and mercy. God’s love is not always that feel good, fluttery feeling but is often instead this mighty, powerful, devastating, justice-serving, fiery, loud, red-hot, stormy picture of his pursuit of us despite us.
Exodus 34:6-7
And he passed in front of Moses proclaiming “the Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin. Yet He does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”
