Back it up a little bit. Set your mind on Me. Run with your heart in the game and jump.
I lost it in Nepal. 12 people living under 1 roof with 1 bathroom and a squatty potty. UGHHHH can I just BE without someone all up in my personal bubble?? My bed consisted of my sleeping pad and bag on the floor, swished next to my other teammates. People stepping on my bed when I’m trying to sleep. People leaning all over me on a packed bus and tailing me as I walk in the streets because being in super close proximity is culturally normal. I get back to the house, look forward to laying down and find a teammate on my bed. There goes my sanctuary. In the bathroom for more than 10 mins… knock knock, how much longer are you going to be?? Just trying to grab my toiletries, and accidentally get smacked in the arm by my teammate.
It’s just my space right? Shouldn’t be a big deal right? Nope. I value my space because it’s where I go to recharge. And if I don’t have my space, it’s like a person who is sleep deprived or hangry. I get spangry. Yep, I just made that word up haha. It’s like you’re space deprived and angry all at the same time, constantly. Welcome to the struggles of being an introvert living in community 24/7. I had many “take my crap” moments and prayers with the Lord. I didn’t like the building frustration. And in the midst of all of this, I said, Lord, I want to exchange my frustration for peace. I want to exchange my frustration for patience. I want to exchange my frustration for generosity. I want to be generous with the one thing I value the most, my space. I repeated these words in my head like a mediation every morning and every time I think I’m about to lose it.
Despite me trying hard not to lose it, I lost it. The one accidental smack on my arm (it wasn’t even that hard) set me off. UGHHHHHHHHHH!! as I barged out of the room. I think sometimes you have to lose to gain type of thing ya know? Afterwards I felt a lot better. Can’t remember how many times I’ve tried to not lose it and ended up holding on to the frustration. And it’s times like this when I’m reminded that it’s ok to lose it. As I prayed and reflected, I felt God say, Tee, make room. I’m like um, excuse me God, what do you mean? I literally have no more room to give. It’s all been taken! TAKENNNNNN. This is me being dramatic but there is a lot of truth to it. And as I lost it at God, something started shifting in my mind. It dawned on me that I was so stuck on what I didn’t have that every little thing had the potential to set me off. I came on the Race to work full time for God and here I am. I felt like God was saying, if you want to work for me, it’s going to cost you. If you are willing get over yourself, I promise I will make room when it seems like there isn’t any. It won’t be what you expect. It will be way more than you can think or imagine. Focus on me. I am your sanctuary. I am your personal space. I am your energy. Make room for others as I have for you.
Whoop, there it is. This is how God humbles me and changes my heart. By His Grace he chooses to love me through my crap. He hits me deep in the heart. I started thinking about how Jesus gave up His room in heaven to make room for me and us. He came down to be with us so we would have access to a special room – Him. And then it occurred to me that this is how God makes room, He changes our hearts one inch at a time and one thought at a time. Each inch and each thought ripples into peace, into patience, into generousity. Because the truth is He’s given us all that we need.
I love my relationship with God because he doesn’t ask me to have a “suck it up” attitude. He doesn’t want a “forced” yes. Like I could’ve easily dismissed my needs of personal space and said well, I have to suck it up buttercup. Instead, I came to God and believed He can change my heart and the way I see things. I came with the attitude that I want to say yes, wholeheartedly. And that’s what He wants – my whole heart in the game. And as I focus on Him, my heart changes and every thought starts to make me whole again. Thank you God, you’re the best.
Make room. Back it up a little bit. Set your mind on Me. Run with your heart in the game and jump.
“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” ~Jeremiah 29:12-13
