May was National Mental Health Awareness Month and it was a particularly important month for me.
I graduated, had my last dance recital, my graduation party, ended my job, and prom. May was full of first lasts and moments where I ached to enjoy every last minute. May was also a month full of moments that had the potential to diminish all the mental health progress I had accumulated, and you can rest assured that I was scared. I kept telling people that May was going to be a jam-packed month and that I was going to be overwhelmed. When honestly, I was scared out of my wits of not being able to fight back the strong emotions that have put me through so much in the past. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to present my speech before my solo on the day of my recital because of my social anxiety, scared that I would get overwhelmed on graduation and not really enjoy it with my family, scared that ending my job with my students would be too emotional because I had gotten too attached.
Essentially, I was viewing my life from the lens of my past and my fears.
2 Corinthians 4:17 says, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
That was all the perspective I needed at the moment.
And so May began… I woke up May 7th for my graduation to find out 5 minutes into the morning that my block had lost all electricity. Normally, this would stress me out and put me on the verge of an anxiety attack, but alas He remained faithful. I got ready in the dark and rushed to the graduation. I arrived and found out that my advisor never put my name in the graduation or honors list. But I was still calm. My mom text me to let me know that I wasn’t in the commencement book either, she was ready to help me calm down. But God kept me at peace. And as the first day of this very hectic month came to a close, my entire family and I were at a loss of words because previously this day would’ve been the perfect recipe for an anxiety attack.
For sake of time we’ll skip through some of this month’s events. On to May 18th.
My dance recital…
That’s right, this was basically the one day of the year that I was most certainly promised at least one anxiety attack and a few sessions of nervous crying and shaking. Not to mention that this year I had a self-choreographed solo and speech. Last time I had a solo you could evidently see my legs shaking from the back row. And the last time I had a speech you could see my hands shaking from the beginning until the end. For the past eight years my dance recitals have only been one show a year. But this year we had a matinee and an evening show. DOUBLE THE TROUBLE.
The day hadn’t even started and I was already nervous about how nervous I would get. But I was determined to enjoy the day because it was my last time dancing with my sister and my best friends. Dance after dance, costume change after costume change, and now it was time for my solo.
A dance about the aching hole in every single person’s heart. About the constant urge for love, about not wanting to feel alone, about mental health and the only path to love, Jesus. This dance was about pouring out everything that ever made me hurt, about taking the mask off, about being genuine and vulnerable, it was about healing.
I grabbed my speech and the microphone and stepped into the spotlight. Looked into every face in the full theatre and took a deep breathe. I shared with family, friends, and strangers about my struggle with depression, social anxiety, and self-harm. I talked about how crucial dance had been in helping me cope with my feelings because it connected me to my Creator. My ability to create beauty from the intense dark emotions and circumstances in my life reminded of how God could do just that for me. I told the audience how that was what this solo was about, about being transparent.
And in the midst of saying all of this I looked at the paper in my hands and saw something I couldn’t remember ever seeing before…
I wasn’t shaking, not even one bit. An overwhelming sense of peace had come over me and I knew exactly who it was, and I smiled. Because even though I couldn’t rid myself of anxiety, He could.
It took me several days to fully process that I had spoken in front of a sold-out theater without my voice or hands shaking once. This was how God showed me that He is faithful.
As some of you may know, I worked with Firewall Centers during the ’18-’19 school year. My job consisted of tutoring and mentoring middle school students with their homework and life situations. I was blessed to be in charge of a group of nine 6th and 7th grade boys. They were a handful at times, but I also knew that God had put them in my life to help me heal. Being able to relate to their life situations and assure them that I had been there and truly understood was like getting a new pair of glasses. Suddenly, everything that had every happened in my life made sense.
I went through mental illness and bad situations so that at some point in my life I could talk to a 7th grade boy and tell him it was going to be okay. So that that 6th grade girl could trust me and not feel judged when showing me her scars.
And so as May came to close, so did my time with these students. I went to go see some of them last week and they gave me huge hugs and thanked me for everything. But the second I got into my car I couldn’t stop crying, because they had given my pain a purpose.
As I prepare for training camp tomorrow in Georgia for my mission trip, and all the fears and doubts creep in, this one thing remains…His love. Healing isn’t always an overnight fix, or evidently supernatural situations, sometimes it’s just God holding your hand, giving you courage, and leading you to the right people.
Thanks for reading! Keep me prayers as I will be in training camp with the rest of my Gap Year Squad until the 19th. Please go Donate!
