3/6/19
“You will never be completely at home again, because a part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” –Miriam Adeney
Today is March 6th, 2019. It’s been a week since we left Cambodia. And to be completely honest, I really did not want to write this post. Partially because I could not seem put my range of emotions into words but mostly because I didn’t want to accept the fact that the last hugs were given and the final goodbyes were said. (Hence, why this blog might be all over the place so I apologize in advance if it simply does not flow). On Tuesday February 26th, my team and I said farewell to the people we called family and the place we called home for the past month. It was a tearful and heartbreaking last 24 hours in Kampong Thom from sitting in the kids’ rooms holding one another the night before to the moment our van drove away.
There was something about the simplicity of life in Cambodia that I’ll miss dearly. The sound of roosters in the morning, no connection or AC, the bright light that shone from the moon and stars, hand washing clothes, cold showers, and bike rides. Time went by slowly but fulfilling slow, like no time was ever wasted or rushed. No part of me wanted to sit on my phone or put on makeup. Life was more than satisfying despite of the circumstantial “lack of…”.
Cambodia taught to me the purpose, sacrifice, and power of love. God revealed to me His heart but also used me to show his children a small fraction of His eternal love for them. Regardless of my past, fears, or disqualifications, I was shown a love without circumstance or strings attached. I will never forget this one Sunday, the kids were worshipping in Khmer and as I watched them, I began to feel so proud of them. It was kind of weird considering I had only known them a couple weeks but I literally wanted to give them a huge hug and more than I physically could. I began to cry because I realized that this is the way God sees and feels about me. He looks at me, His beloved daughter, and can’t help but smile and want to give me more than I could ever imagine.
Going into these 3 months, my biggest prayer was to rediscover my identity and purpose, not alone or dependent my own abilities but rather with God. Remembering daily that every good and perfect gift is from Him (James 1:17) not by luck or my own strength. Surrendering my own selfishness and pride in exchange for truth and satisfaction. Giving up my agenda to seek and obey what He has called me to.
Although I feel like a part of me is missing I can’t help but remember, like the quote says, that this absence is the result of wholehearted giving. I am thankful I gave all of myself and didn’t hold back. I am thankful for the abundance of love and joy that I received. I am thankful that God met exactly where I was. I am thankful I can take these sweet memories and be reminded of joy through them on a bad day. I am thankful for the mangos and Cambodian snacks. I am thankful for the hugs and kisses before bed. I am thankful that God used me in ways I didn’t expect. I am thankful for my time in Cambodia.
Thank you for your prayers and support. I’ve taken the past week in Bangkok to debrief and process the past month and I am really glad I was given the time to do that. I am ready for you, Ratchaburi and everything that is in store! Until next post…
–Steph from Bangkok, Thailand
