This year has been the hardest year of my life.
After a summer of ministry, I arrived back on American soil on August 1, 2018 and walked straight into a hurricane of abuse, mental health disorders, false accusations, and betrayal. While my personal life was falling apart behind the scenes, the day-to-day demands of teaching threatened to drive me to a mental breaking point. From September to April I spent every moment I wasn’t actively teaching grading papers, tracking down overdue work, or following up with parents. Whenever an admin suggested one more thing to add to my already over-full plate, I felt ready to come apart at the seams.
For a while, the waves came so thick that all I could do was focus on keeping my head above water. I couldn’t even bring myself to attend my own church. I needed to get away, but no matter where I went—friends, family, work—there was always something waiting.
Friends, I need you to know that in the middle of my mess, God showed up.
- He provided relationships I needed. Not only did he provide critical friendships and mentoring relationships among my coworkers, but he also provided a counselor when the staff at Adventures asked me to seek counseling to prepare for the Race. Her wisdom and discernment helped me walk through this season with much more grace than I normally possess.
- He restored and healed me. Not everything is fixed, but God has worked powerfully in both small and large ways to bring restoration and healing to some relationships, and wisdom and discernment to others.
- He empowered me to forgive. Not only the people who hurt me, but also myself for the mistakes I’ve made in handling my anger.
- He blessed my classroom. Not only did He sustain me in my job, but by His grace He allowed me to minister to my students. This year we’ve walked through panic attacks, juvenile cancer, depression, bullying, learning disabilities, debilitating migraines, health challenges, etc. My students made it through this year by the grace of God, and I was so blessed to be able to partner with Him in their growth.
- He provided funds. I am an entire month ahead of my fundraising schedule! I am so thankful for my partners, both prayerful and financial. Your generous donations freed me up to minister to my students this past year. God provided abundantly, and consequently, fundraising was one less thing I had to worry about. I am about 50% funded and am trusting God for the remainder of the funds, but have no doubt that He will provide!
I could go on about God’s faithfulness. But that’s not (entirely) the point of this post. Yes, God has shown up. But I write this post because I need your prayers.
The storm of this year has finally calmed. My grading is finished. Conferences are (mostly) done. In two days, I will leave directly from an end-of-year service project to fly to Gainesville, GA for ten days of World Race Training Camp. From what I understand, training camp will require the same amount of energy it takes to be a counselor for Hume.
And I’m exhausted.
I am tired of fighting. Tired of having yet another emotional conversation. Tired of discovering another way that the people around me are broken, seemingly beyond repair. I’ve spent the last week realizing that I’m truly leaving my job. I miss my friends. And to top it off, the spiritual attack has never been more real.
What if I’m walking into another year of pain? Am I even doing this blogging thing right? Do my friends even care that I’m leaving? What if I can’t do the physical test? What if I can’t deliver on my teammates’ expectations of me? What if…
I could go on. But I don’t want to give the devil’s words any more airtime.
So please, friends, pray for me.
- Pray for my heart, for strength and the armor of God to guard my heart and mind.
- Pray for my squad. That we would demonstrate Christ’s love to each other and encourage, strengthen, and challenge each other with God’s word.
- Pray for our leaders, whether alumni or team members, that God would give them wisdom and discernment to lead well and with His heart.
- Pray for our preparation: mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial.
- (By the way, my teammate Hannah Sahatoo is in desperate need of funds. She is currently at 2.5K and needs double that by the time training camp starts on Wednesday. So if you feel led, please find her by searching for her name and donate!)
- Finally, pray for the countries and people we will encounter—that we will be God’s light in dark places, that we will follow His heart, and that we will be living examples of his love to each other and everyone we encounter. Pray that God would prepare the way before us, and open hearts in all the countries we visit.
Thank you, friends.
On August 1, 2019, exactly one year after this mess started, I will fly to Atlanta, GA to launch on the World Race. In light of that, I leave you with a poem I wrote in Albania this past summer. I’ve revisited it a few times recently, and feel like it encompasses my mindset as I look forward to training camp and the Race.
Faith
I sit
at the edge
as waves
swirl around my hips—
the promise of stories.
Come deeper, they whisper.
But
Even here, I remember raw power.
Tumbling,
I have clung to seconds of life until,
overwhelmed,
I let go.
I have broken the surface,
gasping.
Come deeper.
They pull in cadence;
erode the ground from beneath me;
slide me down a bed of powdered glass.
What secrets lie beyond their borders?
What depths?
What beauty?
Even at my most daring, I can only guess.
Come deeper.
Wonder shatters
in the roar of white foam.
But what appears violent from a distance
kisses my toes.
A tendril splashes my face.
Come deeper.
The ocean is a living thing.
Always changing, yet ever constant.
It scours,
reveals,
levels,
enfolds,
… protects.
Come deeper.
To save my life
I must first lose it.
And I am afraid
I will drown.
Deeper!
I obey.
For it is better to break early.
