How do I even start this…
This blog, this day, this grieving process….
October 2, 2012 the email simply said, “You probably already know what I’m about to say… Your Great Grandpa went home to be with the Lord.” At the time I was in Balama, Mozambique Africa. I was halfway through my time there. He was sick, and I had the chance to say goodbye to him before I left. The fact that he had passed wasn’t making me sad because he had been sick. I was sad because my whole family would be together and I was on a different continent. Going home wasn’t an option. Plus, he would have wanted me to stay. The babies needed saving. Something I realized was that I wasn’t really given a chance to grieve. I just had to move on.
April 2, 2019
Mom: Hello my girl
Me: Hi Mama, why are you up so early?
Mom: Because Grandma Leila
Me: Did she…
Mom: Her heart stopped.
At that moment, I felt like I was watching the world go by. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. There are still moments when I feel this way. The difference between Africa and Malaysia is that I am surrounded by people who love me and encourage me to grieve. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, and everyone is different. For me, I thought I wanted to be alone…. Turns out that I was wrong. To be honest, I didn’t want to spend time with Jesus because I knew that I would have to deal with these emotions. However, knowing that I don’t feel complete unless I’ve spent time with Jesus, I decided it was time to read His word, so I joined my team for our John bible study. We were on chapter 16….
Listen when Jesus wants to speak to you. HE WILL!!! I read the chapter and slightly rolled my eyes…. But then I really read the chapter… I started reading verses 1-7, and I was good until verse 6… “you are filled with grief…” my voice cracked and tears started rolling. It was someone else’s turn to read, so I listened and cried some more. Ultimately, verse 22 was what hit the most: “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” In this chapter Jesus was talking with the Disciples about the grief they were about to experience with Him dying on the cross and going to Heaven. To me, it is saying that grief is a very real and healthy thing to go through… But to take heart because my joy comes from Him. No one has the power or authority to take that away from me.
To my family back home, I love you so much and I wish I was there with you. Know that my heart is with you. I would give just about anything to be able to hug each and every one of you.
To Grandma Leila, thank you for always loving me and pointing me to Jesus. It truly is, “In God We Trust.” (She would write this on every envelope she sent).
To my friends back home, your messages have meant so much to me. I appreciate you so much and feel so loved!!!
And to my squad, thank you for texting me, checking in on me, sitting with me for hours (in Starbucks), being there for me, and for loving me so well! I really couldn’t do this without you!
