Hannah Sahatoo,
Dude, from the beginning you were a straight pain in my ass. We befriended the same selected few prior to launching on the race. We’re both stubborn as heck. We’re tough, brave, strong, and resilient. And yet, we are so quick to love the ones next to us regardless of their take on life, skin color, religion or background. We love through our honesty. We’re blunt, straight to the point, and sarcastic about everything (OOPS).
We hadn’t been on the same team until month 5 but prior to that we sure had some fall outs. It wasn’t easy to befriend you. I was hurt by your words on multiple occasions. I was confused as to why we never saw eye to eye. I didn’t understand where either of us went wrong but, we did. To be utterly honest I wasn’t even sure I wanted to fix it. You became an annoyance and I just never saw the point in pursuing you. I didn’t think either of us wanted that, so why bother. I knew you had other friends on the squad to love you well. I figured since everyone, including leadership, knew that we didn’t mesh well they’d never put us on a team together. Rookie thought, I know. Uncomfortably often equals growth. Blah blah blah. I just didn’t want it. I prayed for it NOT to happen. Then, there we were. Oman debrief. Team changes. As a team leader I got the names of each new member first, and had the unbearably awkward job of grabbing each one of them by their arm while their eyes were closed and linking them up with the rest of the new team. I looked at the list and there it was. Your name was just beneath mine. My heart sank. A lump was in my throat and anger was welling up deep in my spirit. “Why God?”, I admittedly questioned His plan while simultaneously rolling my eyes at leadership. This is not going to work. An all girls team, again. And a freakin small one at that. And two of us do not vibe. I left that session in a puddle of tears. I was scared. I was so anxious about how long this team would last. How could we navigate even being around one another let alone giving each other feedback? Or what about you allowing me to lead you? Everyone looked at our team and assumed it would fail. We all felt that. Not only did they see our team as a huge mistake but that me and you could never be friends. It just wasn’t in the cards. Those were the thoughts and words of our squad and us as a new team. We all felt it.
Can I just remind us that God can use anything for good! AMEN, amen.
At this point I knew you were placed on my team so I could learn to love you well but I truly didn’t even know where to begin. I never thought you would receive my love even if I had known how to show you. So, I sat on the floor, snot building on the carpet, and I cried out to God for help. I needed it. I was desperate for it. I kept saying, “how can I love someone who doesn’t want my love?” His response changed my life forever.
He said, “It’s not your love Hannah needs baby, it’s mine.”
My one job in this little life of mine is to be loved by the gracious Father who made me. My intimacy with Him allows for true love to penetrate the depths of my soul. It gives room for every fiber of my being to know that I am loved. I am chosen. I am worthy. I am delighted in. When I allow myself to be loved by God I, in return, become incredibly thankful and ridiculously in love with him… and that is what people see and feel from me. That’s what they begin to experience with each interaction, conversation, hug, disagreement, or a slight curl of the lips.
My time with you Hannah was life changing. I have never been able to forgive in a way that permitted something beyond a second or third chance. Because of you Hannah I know true forgiveness. Because of you I know what it feels like to have the Father’s eyes and heart for someone. Truly. That’s how I see you, in everything. I see you through the lens of our great rad Dad. Now anything you’ve said from a place of pain or past hurt can’t offend me, in any capacity. I have no resentment toward you. I have no desire for explanations or answers from the past. I just want to love you regardless. That’s how Papa loves me. That’s how I love you.
Hannah, you did an amazing thing. You loved me right back. Fearlessly.
We are the church. We are the body of Christ. We are the epitome of bearing one another’s burdens. Your mess is never too messy. I can handle it all, you know why? Because it’s already been fought for, purchased and won on the cross. We are what good, healthy, godly community looks like. Entrusting. Forgiving. Edifying. I am so thankful for you. I appreciate and value our time together growing in pursuit after the Lord, people around us, and one another. I am proud to fight for you. I am honored to be known by you, seen by you, and cared for by you. We did exactly what the enemy hates and damn, that makes me proud. It makes me proud that we did this thing together. I am proud to call you my friend. I am proud to call you my sister. I am so proud of YOU.
Hannah Sahatoo, you are a mighty warrior. You go to battle for your people, for God and for yourself. You are beautiful. You are kind. You love fervently. You see people for what they are capable of and you call them higher. You are incredibly smart and savvy. You are witty and have a dark sense of humor which I unashamedly appreciate the heck out of (coping mechanism #sorrynotsorry). You are wildly adventurous. You are full of wisdom and integrity. You’re a heavy lifting, trash talking, pain in my ass. You are a joy! You’re goofy, dedicated and courageous. You are so filled with the Holy Spirit. You are disciplined and obedient. You are willing to grow, be challenged and receive healing. You were born to be free. You were born to be loved. You have changed my life for the betterment of not only myself but, every person around me. I am forever grateful.
For reasons I may never fully understand you had to leave the race but you will never leave my heart (shut up, I know it’s cheesy). And I know He will use this for His good, His glory. Like the Father is in a constant pursuit after his kids, so will I be after you. I love you my friend.
~written in love by your local gypsy
