Alas… the final and hardest form of rejection I’ve had to come to terms with. This one may not make sense to you but let me remind you… my freedom came from digging out the roots of rejection not just the things that were point blank staring me in the face and then replacing them with truth!
Mom, your love will always be enough. I mean that with everything that I am. My whole life I have felt rejected by you without even realizing it. I constantly place you on this pedestal. In my eyes you did everything so lovingly I never saw you do any harm or wrong. EVER. In my quiet time, seeking the roots of rejection and specifics examples, you came up. I had no idea. I was in denial and yet I knew I needed to work this out to be free from the lies that were saying, “you aren’t enough”. You always give/do/are your best. Always. So I know none of this was intentional but I did feel rejected by you. I forgive you without needing an explanation from you. I see you and know that you love me no matter what. I know the truth. I am loved!
When you didn’t make time to just be my mommy… I took this to heart. I blamed myself for dad leaving, which then forced you to play both roles. I wish you had it easier. I wish you could’ve taken the time to watch a YouTube video and learned how to braid hair. All the other moms knew how and my hair was always a mess. Instead you were on your computer studying and getting your masters degree while working full time and raising two kids. I wish you would’ve taught me how to put makeup on, dance, dress cute, and cook. I would’ve loved to go on mommy daughter dates, and just be your little girl. Totally making up for that now but now we’re best friends (which I LOVE).
Your students, they get the best teacher, who care so deeply about each and every single story, goal, project completed, and ambition. You push them to be the best versions of themselves. I know they’re grateful for it. I know I was when I had teachers like that. (Shoutout to Mrs. Trish, Amelia Easley, and Mrs. Hicks). I do wish some nights you would sit down for dinner and not grade papers. I wish you didn’t bring up so many of their stories and make me feel compared to someone else’s kid. I wish you made me feel just as valued and admired when I got 4.3GPA more so than the kid who got a B- on a paper he “should’ve” failed. I know school did come fairly naturally to me but I did try hard for those grades. I guess that becomes expected of you when you’ve always had A’s. You love all your students so well and sometimes I wonder if you loved them a little less what our family dynamic could’ve looked like.
It was the little things that made me feel rejected by the most loving and caring person in my life. I know you would never hurt me. My biggest mistake was placing you so high and idolizing you. You’re human and you’re a damn good mother. You did and always will give me your best. I love you for that. Your love and support for me was and will always be enough. It’s molded me into who I am. And I love the woman of God I’m becoming. I wouldn’t change how I was raise and the risks you took and all the sacrifices you made for our family. I needed to face a root of rejection and dig it out! Thank you for allowing me the space to do that and for loving me regardless. I pray my words do you no harm and people will know you did your best and know how loved I am by you. You’re fearless. A leader, bold, brave and strong! The kindest person I’ve ever met.
Because I was able to face this final root I truly believe I’m free from rejection. I can see it coming head on as a lie from hell and I can tell it with authority to PISS OFF! Rejection has no hold on me. I am fiercely loved. I am wanted. I am a daughter of the King! I am on fire for the Kingdom and stepping out in boldness in the hopes others will accept this free gift so graciously given.
~written in love by your local gypsy
