I’m really not a big fan of public speaking. So it was a huge surprise to me that I was the person who volunteered to share my story at a high school last Thursday when my group was asked who would like to share. It was super weird. I volunteered without even realizing it. Ten minutes later I immediately regretted it and started to panic. I know my story and I am very open about it, but the thought of standing up in front of a classroom and sharing it made me anxious. However, I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I knew that the Lord had prompted me to volunteer, because that definitely wasn’t something I would do on my own. So I sucked it up and went with it.
As soon as I got up in front of the class I felt peace. I shared about my battle with depression and anxiety, how I used sex to try to combat it, and how I eventually ended up suicidal. I shared the hopelessness I felt during high school and was surprised at how easy it was for me to be completely honest in front of this group of people. I’m human and I am imperfect. I have made a lot of mistakes, and I will be the first to admit those mistakes. I shared how surrendering my life to Christ helped me both forgive myself and find myself. How it resulted in me, an imperfect human, living a life my perfect Savior has laid out for me. It doesn’t mean I’ll never mess up again. It means that when I do, those mistakes are forgiven. I am not less because of my mistakes. I am fully known and deeply loved. I knew I was the one who shared my faith journey for a reason, and that reason was soon revealed to me in full force.
After class, we split off into smaller groups. My friend Esther and I were in a group with four middle school and high school-aged girls. Before I had shared my story with the class, a lesson had been taught on trusting God through all situations. We began our small group by asking the girls what they thought about that, and it soon moved to us asking each other about South African and American culture. I couldn’t have imagined what was to come next after such a light conversation.
Two of the girls in our group were twin sisters. For privacy reasons, I am not going to tell their names or their stories. Their story is for them to share, not me. One of them asked us how you trust God. It was honestly a hard question to answer. I told them how I know God is bigger than any struggles. How He is always with you, even when things seem hopeless. How putting your trust in Him will never result in anything but good. These sisters then revealed their story to Esther and I. It was a story of extreme pain, something of the sort I had never come into contact with. As I listened to these girls talk and watched them begin to let tears fall, I literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and thrown on the ground. I thought I had experienced heartbreak before, but I really never had until that moment.
By the end of our time talking with them, both Esther and I were holding back tears as well. I wanted nothing more than for these girls to come home with us. For us to watch movies and cook and have fun together. But, sadly, that’s not how things work in the real world. The one thing that really hit me was the extreme strength and courage that these girls showed. The fact that they shared pain that they had not shared before with Esther and I was astounding. They shared with two people that they had only met an hour previously. Vulnerability is STRENGTH. I was blown away by the fact that these girls came to school everyday, followed their passion for singing, and continued to chase the Lord through it all. I told them, over and over again, how proud I was of them. How their beautiful courage and unbreakable strength inspired me like not many things had before.
We did what we could to help in their situation, but sadly there was not much we could do. We were able to get them in contact with someone through Impact Africa who’s job is to help with situations like theirs. I walked away after praying with these girls and hugging them goodbye and immediately burst into tears. I wanted to do more. And I was honestly pretty upset with God. I had so many questions and doubts and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like there was nothing I COULD do. It was a feeling of complete powerlessness.
When we got back home at the end of ministry that day, my team and I had a really good conversation. Joelle, my team leader, is extremely wise and finished her World Race in June before coming onto the field again to be our alumni team leader for our first three months in Africa. She had come into contact with many situations like the one with these two girls before and had had the exact same questions and doubts. But what she revealed to me in my tears really stuck with me. I didn’t NOT do anything for these girls, even though I felt so powerless in the situation. By sharing my story in front of that class, those two beautiful, strong girls felt like they had a safe space to share their story. And it was the first time they had opened up about it – to COMPLETE STRANGERS. If it wasn’t for that, we wouldn’t have been able to get them in contact with the people they needed who could help them move forward. In addition to this, feeling powerless in a situation gives you more room to surrender it to God. God had been present throughout our entire afternoon with those girls. And I know this is a situation I have to surrender to Him. I believe He is already working, and I believe these girls will be okay. Although I didn’t feel like I was able to do much for them, GOD did something for them through me.
These girls have been on my heart and in my mind every day since Thursday. I don’t know if I will see them again, but I have to trust. I know they will be cared for by someone who’s profession is fighting these situations, and I have to trust it’ll be okay. Sometimes all you can do is trust, despite feeling powerless.
