I was about to not write this blog.. but then I remembered that I wanna record the most I can from my journey. So here I am, to write about how I feel like I’ve failed and how God redeems me, always.
So without going into too much detail, basically the last week of January was hard. That week was my final week serving at Anderson High School. My team got a ministry change at the very last minute. On a Thursday night (Jan 30) we were told that the next day, Friday (Jan 31), would be our last time at Anderson. My heart sunk a little. I expected to have 3 more weeks with the kids and teachers there.. and now that all changed.
So, on Friday I went into the day making every second count and then having to say some hard goodbyes to a couple students. I hugged the same girl like 20 times and then walked away feeling like it still wasn’t enough.
Feeling like it wasn’t enough.
That’s how I think I’ve failed. Not giving everything. And sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way on the race. Both times I’ve had to say my final goodbyes at my ministries— ithemba & Global in South Africa and now Anderson in Ecuador— I’ve had this feeling like a pit in my chest, knowing I didn’t do all I could’ve to best serve and love the people there. Both times I walked away wishing I was more intentional about getting to know people there. Both times I walked away regretting the days I just let ministry “go by”.
And I really really really hate the feeling of failing.
But then there’s my Redeemer. God. Yep, He’s the only one who can change my heart. And He sure did that about this situation.
On my last day at Anderson, before going into my class, I prayed for God to show me what He was trying to teach me/grow me in during my time at Anderson. And over the next couple of days, He answered me.
First off, He reminded me of the first week at Anderson when I absolutely hated it. And I was questioning “why am I at a high school right now?? Why do you have me placed in another school??” But now I get it. He told me “Morgan, you of all people should know how much high schoolers need good leaders, role models, and friends. They need to see people relatively close to their age with the same heart as the Father.”
And well… I know this to be SO true because it was true for me in high school. I looked up to my Relevant small group leaders, my YoungLife leaders, even the upperclassmen at school who had something “special” about them, and more. Simply the way those people lived their life had an influence on me, even though I didn’t greatly realize it in the moment. I needed people in high school to set an example of what a Christian/Woman of God looks like. And those people did that.
Then God told me “I gave you those leaders in your life to show you my love and to learn from them. Now it’s your turn to be that kind of example for others younger than you.” So now I see, this is the reason God had me put at Anderson. This is how God has been moving in my life. He’s so intricate and detailed and he uses even the smallest interactions to plant the biggest seeds. Honestly, I’d be a lot different if I never had those girls to love me, be my role models, and teach me. And now that I see the importance of them in my life, I can see the importance of my time at Anderson and the influence I had there. And I may have walked away feeling like I failed and didn’t do enough, but then God reminded me how I probably never expressed how much my “role models” meant to me in high school and they may never know. And in the same way, I may never know what the girls at Anderson thought of me. But I can at least hope some seeds were planted and God will use others to water them.
God put me at Anderson to walk me through what it means to be a leader. To show me that, through Him, I have the power to influence younger girls who need it too, just like I did. And through this He’s also showing me that my heart really is with middle/high schoolers. Not just for this time at Anderson, but He has that in store for me when I get home. He’s making my story full circle, and I love Him for that.
