~a vulnerable blog~
In every way, shape and form I’ve been uncomfortable during my time here in Thailand. I’ve been uncomfortable with sleeping with no AC and sweating all night long. I’ve been uncomfortable with the amount of rice that we eat here. I’ve been uncomfortable with how hard it is to get time alone. I’ve been uncomfortable with truly being myself around the people I’ve been living with for a month now.
I say this not in a negative light but to simply say that growing hurts.
Ive realized that being comfortable is such a safe place to be, so warm and lovely. If I’m being truthful, being comfortable is what I miss the most. I miss being around friends I’ve known my whole life who know me inside and out, and knowing them as well. I miss the food that I used to eat at home, comfortable, good, normal food- chicken that doesn’t still have the head attached. I miss having my own room with a fan and air conditioning, and being able to go there as a place of sanctuary. Oh and having my own closet, I really miss that.
All this to say that I have found God in the uncomfortable. Lately He’s been showing me how much I found my identity in all things comfortable. I saw myself for what others saw me as, and now that I don’t have a solid identity I feel like I’m spinning, losing my balance. I found my identity in the things I did, the things I achieved. I thought I had validation and gratification through what I did and through what my friends saw me as. Being here I realized I was standing on nothing but sand. A rocky, crumbling foundation of identity, and during this time God is fixing it brick by brick.
Abba has been patient and so gentle in this time of me slowly learning that my identity wasn’t found in Him. I’ve been so insecure in my actions and words, and so insecure of who I truly am when everything is stripped away. I’ve had growing pains, learning to seek who I am in Christ, to see what Abba says about me. He has changed my desires, my hopes, and longings all in just one month. A month ago I would have laughed at what I want for myself now. But seeing this change in what I want has truly been a reflection of praying for Him to align my desires with what He wants for me. The rocky ground I stood on wasn’t what He wanted for me.
Being in this season of uncomfortableness has forced me to run to Him when everything feels icky, and I’m starting to learn to run to Him even when things aren’t icky at all. There’s so much goodness here, so much glory and sweetness, but none of it is comfortable. It’s been uncomfortable for our team to rock the boat when no one wants to talk about problems we face, but once we do, we grow deeper into friendship and love. I see it so similarly with this time right now. Jesus is rocking the boat, showing me if I keep trying to find my identity in anything other than Him, my ship will sink. I’m not saying I’m on the other side of this, and truly I am asking for prayer as these growing pains continue. But what I do know is that God uses uncomfortable seasons to bring about growth and full dependency on Him. I’m thankful that Abba cares enough to rock the ship for me so that I can grow deeper into love with Him. He’s not afraid to strip us bare and to show us what He sees, to show us how it could be so much better.
