I’m not very good at blogging, but I felt it was time for me to write maybe one more blog. If you don’t know adventures in missions decided to send home all the people who were out on the field because of COVID-19.
I have been home for the past 2 weeks trying to comprehend everything that has happened. The night before Alexis and I were talking to some other racers. They asked us if we thought we would get sent home. My answer anytime I was asked was “were so much safer here then the United States, if we were to be we would be one of the last ones.” I never thought that we would even be considered to go home: maybe a change in our route, but not going home. That next morning our squad leader woke all of us up, and asked if we could go down to the meeting room. Everyone looked around at each other and in my head I thought ‘there’s no way, until she says the words I’m not believing it.’ Sitting on the couch Kyndal read us the email how AIM had decided to send all their missionaries home. I cried a lot. The day before I had written in my journal how the last thing I can do right now is go home, and prayed for the Lord to not let that happen to us. I sat on the roof decided to try and process what I had been told before I started to tell my family and friends. This is a snippet from what I wrote.
“I just don’t get it. My initial feelings are truly all over the place. I’m really sad, confused, angry, and almost numb. I just don’t understand your plan at all. I know I’m not supposed to, but I really just don’t get it. I’m going to need you to be present in these next few weeks God. I know I’m going to have to really fight, but you’re teaching me you’re my only constant. I want you to show up and show me. I am trusting you no matter what.”
Following that journal entry was our last day in Thailand. It was one of the sweetest times I had. After that was packing, leaving early that next morning to land in California and stay there for a few days. When we had landed in California we had found out that Trump had made a rule you cannot be in groups bigger than 10. Then, 3 of my teammates decided they were going to go home. I shortly followed with a flight that night. It ended up being a really quick goodbye. Not getting to say bye to everyone I had wanted to. Sleeping on the flight home. Then one more flight home. Not going to lie I was extremely anxious when I had landed back home. When I saw Virginia Beach I had started crying. An overwhelming amount of emotions of fear but excitement. I had so many thoughts, about what being home would look like.
The past 2 weeks have slightly mushed together and it has kind of felt like 3 days. In this time I decided to set my room back up. Go through every thing and every article of clothing I owned. (After living out of a backpack a whole room of things seems quite bizarre to be honest.) Eating the foods I had wanted, catching up on sleep, trying to figure out college things, and finding any way to kill time. I had about 15 hours everyday and honestly the first week I didn’t use any of that time to sit down with the Lord and talk about what had happened. Coming home it felt like the World Race door was closed and I shouldn’t open it. My mindset was I had to figure out how to handle being home by myself. I am not sure if anyone else can relate on this, but being in my hometown I struggle extremely hard with feeling the Lord. It seems that my past, the things I’ve done, and all the places that hold memories that hurt to relive follow me everywhere instead. The places I had been to with boys I liked, the houses I passed where I had partied at, my room where I have thought some hard thoughts just circling me. Coming home is an overwhelming amount of emotions because it feels like driving and knowing exactly how to get to the places I used to go before the race makes me feel like I haven’t changed. Talking to people about things before the race makes me feel like I haven’t changed. So many different scenarios make me feel like I haven’t changed. Being home I have struggled with things I haven’t struggled with since high school or before the race. It feels like this bubble just pushing me down.
Then in the Lords kindness He pops that bubble, and He shows me how I have changed. How when I struggle with certain things now I know they are lies from the enemy instead of believing it. Even though being home, and trying to handle it myself, I have felt this overwhelming peace from the Lord consistently. I sit and just talk to Him. I’m reminded that I have changed. I’m reminded that I am so much stronger because I have the Lord to lean on and guide me. I wrote this the other day in my journal.
“It is weird though. I have honestly never felt closer to you in my hometown then now. In every situation I just rely on you. I pray or worship you whenever. I can feel the enemy try and put me in situations to make me upset but I’ve just smiled and thought about how you’ve been so sweet. I just feel your presence and it’s comforting. I have just been seeing you more.”
Overall this time home is weird. It is a lot of back and forth thoughts. A lot of being upset I’m home and being happy I’m home. I wrote the other day that this time home is a season of choosing. The Lord had prepared me a lot of choosing into the hard things, and I think a lot of it was to prepare me for now. I know I am more equipped now then I ever have been. I know this time home can be completely confusing especially with the virus. However, the Lord is using this time to do so many good things. I have been saying yes to the Lord for a while and I am not going to stop now. Sometimes you just have to trust and walk out of the boat with Him.
Love Always,
Mel
