Hey everyone,
I’m sad to announce that I am no longer on the World Race. I have suffered with depression for a lot of my life, and life on the Race exacerbated the underlying pain and hopelessness I sit with on a daily basis. Unfortunately I did not have the coping skills necessary to keep going in a healthy way. So I am home now to heal and learn more about how to take care of my mental health.
The Race has been the craziest, hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I saw so many beautiful things, met amazing people, and experienced God in a whole new way. But these past four months also saw a lot of darkness for me. Jesus turned my eyes inward and showed me the hollow, broken heart inside me. He stripped me of everything. I came to see that I had nothing, that I was no one, that Jesus had forsaken me. And while I did cry out to God and begged him to take away the darkness, it only got worse. I walked through my days like a ghost, numb to the world around me. I turned to Job in the Bible to find answers and a solution for my pain, but nothing became clear. I wanted to die. And I didn’t know how to make those thoughts go away.
It breaks my heart to see my team and my squad still there in Kyrgyzstan, dancing in the snow with smiles on their faces. I feel like I should be there. But while I was there I was no longer living, I was surviving; less than that, I felt like I was dying. So I’m home now, getting the help I need and searching for hope and a reason to live. I’ve started writing out all the Psalms and taping them to my bedroom walls, still searching for answers and hope.
Thank you to everyone for following my journey and supporting me through this experience! It’s been so encouraging to know that people love and care about me and my life. I pray you experience Jesus’ love today, and everyday of your lives!
~Marianna H.
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” -??Jeremiah? ?33:3?
