Am I beautiful to you, Lord?
Do you notice me?
Do your eyes follow me
When I walk?
Do my eyes make you dance?
Do you shout to the mountain,
Do you sing to the trees,
Do you twirl in my perfume,
Do you sing songs of love for me?
Am I beautiful to you, Lord?
Do I bear your name?
Do you tell the angels
of my beauty?
Will the dead rise
because you call me beautiful?
Am I beautiful to you, Lord?
Will you choose me
again and again?
Do you love me, Lord?
Writing this poem changed my life. In the moment I wrote this, God allowed me to see this underlying fear I had bottled up inside me. The fear that I am unlovable, that I am not beautiful, and that no one could love me. I can see how God loves other people so clearly, but I am blind when it comes to seeing God’s love for me. I realized that I do not know the love of God as I thought I did. I knew it, but I refused to let it touch my heart. All this time I’ve been trying to love people but only anger came out. I’ve been angry at God for not loving me in a way that I could see or feel or understand. I’ve been so afraid that Jesus didn’t love me or think of me as beautiful that I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. If my own creator looks at me with disgust, then how could anyone look at me with love?
At training camp Jesus tore down these walls of fear and anger. He showed me what I was believing in my heart and taught me the truth. I can hear Him whispering “yes” after every question in that poem. He made me in His own image! Our very first night at training camp we had a speaker named Andrew come up and give a little sermon. All I remember is the phrase “you were born to be loved by God.” I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that until I wrote that poem. I cannot love other people well until I know for myself the sweet, unconditional love of God. And a crazy thing happened when I came home from training. I looked at myself in the mirror, and instead of seeing all the flaws, I saw my eyes, and they were so beautiful. I could see Jesus in my eyes and man oh man did I cry. To see myself in my Father’s eyes made me fall in love with Him all over again. I asked myself this question at the beginning of training camp; ‘will the knowledge of the Lord’s love in the depths of my soul change me?’ Yes. Yes it will, and yes it has.
~Marianna
P.S. I am still fundraising!! I have an awesome donor who is willing to match any donation made this week! I’m super pumped about it! The easiest way to donate is by clicking on the orange “donate” button at the top of your screen! And don’t forget to subscribe to my blog to stay updated on my journey, and get a notification any time I post! 🙂
“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” –Galatians 5:13
