In my lowest moments my dad always told me “you have to choose joy. Choose into it”. And that made me so incredibly angry. Are you kidding me? I’m struggling with depression. Depression. Something that has been proven to be a chemical imbalance in your brain. And you’re telling me to choose joy? Don’t you think if I was capable of being happy I would be happy? So insensitive.
Oh. My. Word.
Can you believe how stubborn and bitter I was? Because sometimes I can’t. Thank you Jesus that I am not defined by how I used to be. Because I am here to say, Heath Carter, you were right.
The race has been a place of beauty and growth for me. However, this did not come naturally. I had to choose into the race, ministry, and pure joy. For so long I defined myself as a bitter, angry, negative and depressed person. I told myself I’m just depressed. Isolation is just how I like it. And my anger is justified. I’ve had it spoken over me that I’m bitter and angry. I’ve had people tell me that it’s okay to be depressed. Which is true. It is okay to be depressed but I’m not okay with being depressed. Depression is not my portion. I am not an angry person. I am not a bitter person. I am not a negative person. And I am not a depressed person. This is not my identity. And I am not these things because I choose not to be. I refuse to settle.
Coming to terms with the fact that I am not who I have thought I am has been chain breaking. I thought that I had to be negative because it was a part of my personality. I thought I was this dark person. But choosing into joy has been so beyond beautiful. I enjoy the little things. I like sunsets. I like holding hands with little kids. I like FaceTiming my little cousins.
In choosing joy I’ve found that the little things are crucial. It’s easy to find joy in the big things. Like getting married, becoming a parent, graduating or becoming independent. But if you spend your life waiting for things like that to bring you joy you’re left trying to fill in the gaps. For me they were filled with- yes you guessed it- anger, depression, and negativity. So choose joy. Life is too beautiful to waste on those ugly things.
So please. Listen to me and my dad. CHOOSE JOY!
Choose to be joyful in the fact that you had all green lights on your way to work.
Choose to be joyful in the fact that the kids you babysit don’t want to go to bed because they love you so much and just want to be with you.
Choose to be joyful in the fact that it’s been raining for 5 days in a row because it will make you appreciate the sun so much more.
Choose to be joyful in the fact that your dog runs laps around the house when you get home because they are so excited that you’re home.
Choose to be joyful in the fact that you get to go to college.
Choose to be joyful in the fact that you are capable of joy and can be a light to others in dark places.
