Dear God,
Today sucked, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say that or if it’s acceptable for me to be so blunt, but it’s the truth and I’m not going to lie. I think you’re okay with that. Plus you already know, so there is no point in faking it.
Yesterday, I got a call from my sister that came with some awful news. Something no one ever wants to hear yet I heard it. On top of all the pain that the average person would feel when hearing this it also brought up a lot of painful memories from my past. So right now — I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if there is anything I can do. I hate this. I’m in another country and still have to continue doing life as if everything is normal. In reality it feels like this pain in my chest might never go away. I can’t cry, not again. I don’t have it in me anymore. I want to ask why. I want to know how to fix it, but the why doesn’t really matter anymore. There is nothing I can do to fix it. God, I’m going to need you to. We need you. We need you to do something big. You’re the only one — the only answer. Show up, move, do what you’ve done time and time again because we can’t do this on our own. It’s too big and too painful. The whole situation feels hopeless. Our feelings lie because it’s not hopeless — with YOU nothing is hopeless. I know that you are bigger than this. I know you can do something. I don’t know what, but I know you can. So today I will rest in you. I’m going to sit and just be with you. I’m going to allow myself to feel this pain, knowing you are feeling it too. I don’t have anymore tears but I’m going to let my soul cry out to you. Because that’s all I can do it’s all I have the strength for. If I need to get up and do something tomorrow, then I’ll do that. Today— today I need to just sit with you and be in your presence.
Sincerely,
your extremely exhausted and overwhelmed daughter
P.S.
If you know me you know how much I love music so here are two songs I’ve been playing on repeat that probably do a better job at expressed this than I do:
Show Me by Audrey Assad
Another In The Fire- Acoustic by Hillsong UNITED
