This is a little throwback to September 27th…
It all started with our “free for all” team time. Where we can do whatever we would like to do to become closer as a team and just be together. This night we all decided to chug some energy drinks and play games all night long. This was the “before chugging Red Bull” picture.
It was all fun and games deciding to play “what are the odds”. Half an hour and watching Elisa slide on the floor in canola oil… Chloe asked me, “what are the odds you get bangs?”
10 minutes later and BOOM!!
After so many running in and yelling how much they loved it, the back of the room yelled, “just cut it all off!”
Less than an hour later…
Some thought it was spontaneity, others just my heart to say yes… but deep down it was something I really needed. Because side note, every time I change my hair, I go through this “identity crisis”. Lol
I only like my hair long & blonde, blonde, blonde. A couple years ago, I was unsatisfied with my hair length & decided to buy hair extensions for the extra length. This was all for personal image.
Everyday, I would do my hair. I would do my makeup. I had eye lash extensions. I was one that would wear heels to school. I very much cared how I presented myself. None of this was me though.
When I went to my church camp that year is when I realized the weight of my sin. I realized how much I didn’t let the Lord sovereignly rule over my life. My Heavenly Father put it on my heart to turn completely over to Him. This started the full shift of my appearance.
Slowly but surely I began to look more and more like myself.
The lashes feel off.
The mom jeans were brought out.
The makeup no longer covered my imperfections.
The extra hair was put back into the box.
This was the start of the journey.
At training camp in July, we had a coach come in for our squad and her name was TT. She mentioned that when she was completely enveloped by the Lord, she realized her identity was found in the world and not in Christ. When she realized she took everything that was fake about her; her hair color, eye lash extensions, acrylic nails… and became completely real.
That’s what I wanted to be. Real. Raw
The last thing I could think of to get me back to completely natural was to stop dying my hair. So, it made sense to cut it. That would get me closer to getting my natural hair color.
Disclaimer: It is not bad to have hair extensions, dyed hair, eyelash extensions, acrylic nails, tanned skin, or anything else that is from the beauty department or beyond. These are all things that others use to give confidence and help bring out great features. I personally use them to get affirmation from the world. This is why I wanted to do away with all of it, because I want complete satisfaction in how God made me.
A couple days in after the cut occurred, I realized how much I look like my five year old self.
This got me thinking… then journaling.
“I feel like I should go back and look at my roots. With this new hair cut, I look like my younger self. With my younger self, I remember how much joy I had. I wasn’t one to do things to disappoint. I had fun but was also very smart. I enjoyed reading and drawing. Always eager to learn more. I didn’t care how I was represented on the outside… I knew if it was what I liked… I would do it. I was fully me in my childhood faith. That’s where I want to go. Back to my roots. My mind has been so warped through school and social media and even Rolfe models. That I don’t know who is me and who is them… lets get back to that little girl I admire.”
October 01, 2019
The month of October after this realization consisted of diving straight into the word, just to constantly be filled with truth. Finding the things I truly enjoy; solitaire, reading, cleaning, old music. Then also looking at myself internally.
Near the end of the month, I journaled again
“Who am I? I am filled with joy. I always have been. I see the good in things. This makes me think that the Lord has always been with me. Yes I’m innocent because I don’t want to see the ways of the world. I just want to see God in all the good things he’s created. This is why even when sadness and pain come over me, I’m excited to see the other side of it. Because God uses all things for good. Yes i like bland things but I truly find enjoyment in the most basic of things. I don’t like living complicated. I thrive in the simple things. I can find the littlest things to thank the Lord for. I like being alone and I like being with a small group. The more intimate the group, the better. I like connecting with the Lord as the center. I will smile in every season because the Lord made my smile bright and contagious.”
October 22, 2019
Who would have thought so much could come out of a small game of “what are the odds?” The Lord really uses any situation to bring glory to Him. There’s NO way this was by accident or coincidence. The Lord doesn’t have any accidents. He is PERFECT. He uses all things for GOOD. What a good good father we have.
“Lord I just want to praise you in this moment. Thank you for bringing me to a place of growth in my identity in You. You are so holy. Father, I just want to lift up all who read this to you, that they may see a growth in You like they’ve never seen before. Abba, we praise your Holy Name and all our thanksgiving be lifted to you. Thank you, thank you. Amen.”
Blessings to you and thank you for reading!!!
Lillian 🙂
P.S. Hi Liv! Yes I brought the picture of us with me! I love and miss you!
P.P.S. Here’s a pic of me looking like Einstein.
