i’ve written before about things i was scared of. i’ve also written before about faith. and i’ve written about going on gap year and how it didn’t happen. but it’s halloween and i’m sitting alone and i just finished watching a sermon my friend sent to our group chat the other day and i felt compelled to write about these things again.
all my life i grew up being told about the Lord and how important faith is and all my life i’ve believe it. i’ve believed that Jesus is King and that God is my heavenly Father and that He loves and cherishes me and will give me all the desires of my heart and He will provide for me and bless me exceedingly and abundantly all that i could ever hope or dream. and as i grew up i continued to believe those things and i “intellectually agreed” with those things but i think recently i’ve struggled to put my trust into Him and the things He says He will and can do. i’ve struggled to fully lean into Him and allow all the weight i’ve been holding onto to be released unto Him. in simple terms- i’ve been scared.
the video my friend sent me was a sermon by the lead pastor of transformation church and he preached about “crazy faith”. he also shared a “formula of faith” that i thought was interesting. this formula states that “intellectual agreement + trust = faith”. so while i intellectually agree that the Lord is great and mighty and that He is my provider and that if i trust in Him everything will work out for my good i haven’t actually been able to fully trust in Him and i’m starting to realize that.
i loved gap year. i believed i would go on it. i believed i would be in swaziland right now with my team, praising the Lord with all the little kids he would’ve blessed me with. i believed these things… to an extent. i didn’t have the crazy faith i should have had. i kept worrying about the “what if” instead of just trusting that He would do what He said He would do. and that’s where i went wrong. i was scared of being broken by being left behind but i was also scared of what would happen if i put my full trust in the Lord and what would happen if i went. deep down i didn’t think i was ready for gap year. because i didn’t trust in my Father and the preparation He had done in me that made me more than ready.
a while ago i was at church and one of my pastors (shoutout pastor dave) was preaching and i honestly couldn’t tell you exactly what the message was or what exactly it was about but i remember one specific line he said and i wrote a poem about it that day and found it again recently and wanted to share, it goes:
you run
and tremble
and freeze
and cry
and you are scared of the blackest nights
and you are scared of the starless skies
but why?
“who told you to be afraid of the dark?”
as i read that back, i wonder… why was i so afraid? why didn’t i think i was ready or capable or deserving of the things the Lord had for me? who told me to be afraid of the dark? i can’t change what has happened and i’m honestly tired of wondering “what could have been?” preparing for gap year alone was transformative and i forgive myself for whatever wrong turns i took when attempting to turn that trip into a reality. and i forgive God for His “no” because it’s honestly grown me so much and i’ve finally learned to appreciate it rather than despise it. i remember a close friend and mentor telling me something while i was in a rough season while preparing for gap year and trying to decide if i even still wanted to do it. after saying that she supported any decision i made she also said “lexi, i’m afraid that if you don’t go it will break you” and she was completely and utterly correct. not going on gap year broke me in more ways than i can ever express. it tore me down and made me feel worthless. and i fell away from God. but i also came back. stronger. more trusting. and ready. with crazy faith.
i’m no longer scared of not having the funding for my mission trip to india and nepal. i’m no longer scared that i’m not “godly enough” or just generally “good enough” to go. i’m living and breathing crazy faith. and i know that God will make a way and that i will be in india in a few months and i’m definitely done doubting that.
thank you for reading- two blog posts in just a couple days woah crazy amiright. i love you all and as always,
many blessings and much love,
lexi
p.s. i linked the video i referenced down below if you wanna check it out 🙂
