fair warning: this blog post is basically just me whining and crying and being annoying so click off now if you don’t wanna get irritated with me because i’m definitely irritated with myself. this is also as dramatic and emotional as a diary so that’s what i’m naming this post:
“dear diary”,
people always want to know how i am, am i excited to graduate, am i excited for my trip, how much money have i raised so far, how’s life in general. truth is:
lately i’ve been worn. i’ve been beaten down and broken. and i’ve been alone. or at least, these are all the things i’ve been feeling.
truth is: i honestly don’t know how i am, but i know it’s not as good as i would like to be. i’m terrified of graduating high school. i’m excited for my trip but i’m also scared because it means that it’s real- that i graduated- that i’m all grown up- and that i might never see my friends again. truth is: i haven’t raised all that much money for my trip and i know it’s in God’s timing and He will provide, but lately it’s been harder and harder to remember that- especially when i’m 5 months in and have only raised $1,000. it’s even harder when i know that it’s mostly my fault. truth is: life as lexi right now kind of sucks and most of the time i just want to escape.
i could sit here and tell the world about how i feel myself slipping. about how i’m scared i’m falling off the wagon. about how i had an anxiety attack (mild) in church of all places. about how i feel isolated and anxious almost every single day. about how even though it’s the last thing i want, i feel myself pulling away from my friends and the people i love because i feel like a burden or an annoyance or that they really just don’t want me there anyway. about how i don’t have a backup plan if this trip doesn’t work out because i know this is what i’m suppose to be doing so i didn’t apply to any colleges, but it sure doesn’t look like this is God’s plan based on my financial struggles. or about how even my advisor is weary and worried i won’t make the fundraising deadlines. i could sit here and tell everyone about how i can’t even force myself to do the most ordinary tasks like writing a one page english paper that was due a week ago because every time i sit down to do it i get overwhelmed because i don’t know exactly what my teacher wants and end up crying instead of doing it. or how i had to have my mom pick me up from school early just to get out of math class before i had a mental breakdown in front of the entire room. or the fact that one of my closest friends threatened to commit suicide and when the counselor heard about it she blamed it on me and my friends. or about how i don’t even want to ask my team for prayers because i don’t want to bother them.
instead i’m going to talk about the good things i’ve seen lately- not so much for you guys or for the sake of this blog- but mostly just to remind myself because i could really use some good right now.
-
my sister’s best friend found out the gender of her baby- it’s a girl!!
-
schlitterbahn season is right around the corner and i love my job no matter how overworked i am
-
prom 🙂
-
flowers are starting to bloom and they look spectacular
-
summer sunsets are coming soon
-
shorts.
-
it’s finally warm enough to get in the water
-
senior skip day!
-
senior trip!
-
it stays light longer outside now
-
the times my friends don’t mind being around me are full of love and joy and laughter
-
there are things to miss and people that make saying goodbye so hard- and that means that i’ve loved and loved well these past years which i guess is something good to come out of this
-
i think i’m gonna get to pet some cows soon
-
4th of july fireworks will be here soon
-
a few epic sleepovers planned before graduation
-
some fundraising ideas are in the works!!
-
i’m finally writing another blog post after how many months????? go me!
-
my teacher asked me to make him one of my collage things and the money he pays me is going to the trip
-
IT’S DUCK SEASON LOVE THOSE LIL CUTIES
-
God still has a plan and it will all workout- as long as i’m breathing He is working.
this list took me longer than it should have to make but i did. i think it’s important to remind myself of the little things like flowers or ducks that bring me joy because the world can seem really rough sometimes but in the end it’s still pretty good.
if you guys would lift me up in your prayers i would appreciate it because ya girl could use as many people praying for her as she can right now.
i believe i’ll make it through this season of aching. of growing pains. after all- it is spring, and spring is for blooming.
thank you all for honestly just reading my rant about how terrible life has been recently and for standing alongside me with hope for the future. i know this was just me spilling all of my secrets, but what is a blog for if not to let out all the emotions trapped inside and try to find things to hold onto that make life bearable.
”We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed” 2 Corinthians 4:8
i promise- i hope- the next blog will bring good news and man o man i can’t wait for that- so stay tuned, subscribe, and if you feel called to give- there’s no one around to stop you so go for it bud!
many blessing and much love,
lexi <3
