my entire life i grew up hearing everyone speak about the things God was telling them or showing them, and i remember thinking “why am i not good enough for Him to talk to me too?” even as a 14 year old i remember another girl, two years younger than me, talking in youth group about all of these visions God had given her about her future and i just could not help the feeling of disappointment because here this girl was, a full two years younger than me, and God’s already giving her visions and he hasn’t even spoken one word to me.
then from there my conversations with God would feel completely one-sided. it was like sometimes i would think he was speaking to me but then i’d doubt myself or tell myself that it was just my mind telling me what i wanted to hear and it wasn’t actually Him. this went on for a long time, i’m not gonna lie, it still happens a lot more than i care to admit. but one day during worship, my worship pastor was singing and then he told us to ask God for a sign of whatever it was that we had been struggling with or wanted for the future. at this time, i was not in the best state mentally. i was always mad, always sad, i felt lost, and honestly, sometimes i didn’t feel like living anymore. so i asked God to reassure me for the future. i asked him for a sign that i would be okay and i would be happy and all this hurt would fade away and turn into something good and that light would come out of all of the darkness i felt trapped in. and that was the day God gave me a vision.
it was the first and only time i have ever received a vision from God, at least that i know for sure was from him and not just my mind playing tricks on me (oof), and i will never forget it. it filled me with so much hope to the point where i started crying right there in the middle of a room full of judgemental teenagers, and at the moment, i didn’t care. the funniest part is that it wasn’t some big thing, it was simple really. i was sitting at a campfire and i couldn’t see the other people sitting next to me, but i remember seeing myself laughing. i remember seeing myself filled with such an immense joy that from that very moment, i had peace and i knew i was going to be okay. i think that vision that God gave me so long ago was foreshadowing this trip and the peace and joy that it will bring me, and has already brought me.
i used to think that God didn’t speak to me. i used to be lost and broken with no hope for the future. i now know that even though i didn’t see it, God had been speaking to me this entire time. He speaks to me when i’m having a bad day through the rustle of leaves in the wind because he knows how much i love fall. He speaks to me through the laughter of my friends to show me that this world isn’t all bad, that there’s love here. He speaks to me through the tears i hear my mom cry when she doesn’t know anyone’s listening, to remind me that she’s only human. and that i should probably be nicer to her than i am. He speaks to me through a team of about thirty people, all of which i have never met in real life (yet), but all of which i already love with everything that i am. and He speaks to me when all i want to do is sleep but here i am at one a.m. writing this blog instead, because He’s speaking to me, and what can i do but to listen…
thank you for reading this very long blog post and sorry it took me an actual month to actually write it. i love you all and can’t wait to share all of the other things that God will speak to me while i’m on this trip. i’m gonna go to bed now.
many blessings and much love,
lexi<3
