Am I doing enough? This question is what I have been asking myself. Not because I don’t believe I’m supposed to be here, but I have thought, in some capacity that I have to earn my keep.
So, let me give you a rundown of events that have happened month one, here in Nicaragua…
The first four days we were here we had training left to do; so we did breakouts all day. There was a lot left to learn, so I am glad we had the space to do just that. It was very long and tiring, but I am grateful that leadership thought it was important enough to spend extra time going over each area.
The rest of that week my team and I got to go on prayer walks. Those were sweet moments, praying for peoples health, blessing over their family and lives. I personally got to pray a couple times for healing (unknowingly) which was a new (and very powerful) experience. I am grateful for those prayers. They strengthened my faith and desire to pray big prayers over others.
The next 8 days I had the worst case of strep I have ever had. I’m talking completely white tonsils. BOTH TONSILS. It was so painful to breathe, swallow, eat and drink. I felt helpless. This time was stretching for me because I didn’t feel as though I was contributing to the ministry or my team. As a woman who loves to develop, achieve, relate, include and be positive about life/situations, I didn’t feel like I could do any of those things. I didn’t feel like I could complete a task or pursue anything except for myself.
Pursing myself is difficult because I just want to spend all my time pouring into others. Little did I know, that’s exactly where the Lord wanted to have me. Pursing me, Lauren Elizabeth Higbee.
I needed rest. I needed to recover. I needed time alone to spend with Him. I needed to be even more disconnected. All of these needs were graciously extended to me through the Holy Spirit, even though at most points I didn’t want them.
I struggled with FOMO (fear of missing out). I craved quality time with my squad mates. I missed my family, Brittany, and Cameron terribly; I just wanted their comfort as I hovered over the toilet bowl so I did not have to swallow my saliva.
With all that being said, I survived that rampant strep. With so much loving care from my wonderful squad leaders, and my team leader, Mere. I am grateful for their willingness to take care of me and the rest of us (we had a 48h stomach bug going around and many people from our squad got sick). Many people constantly checked up on me and asked how I was doing.
After the sickness was gone, I blinked and we had less than two weeks left on the farm. I had a tough time feeling like I had done enough in the month to make it a “worth while” month. The Holy Spirit got ahold of my mind in that moment and let me know that growth in myself and growing closer to The Lord is just as important as doing physical ministry. After that, I let God take the pressure off of me to preform.
I am not going to lie, the last two weeks were still challenging, because I wanted to catch up to everyone else and their depths of relationships with the Nicaraguans.
So naturally, I felt like the Lord was calling me to stay on the farm and do work there. I didn’t like that answer because I wanted immediate gratification or results. He brought me back to my whole purpose… to scatter seeds (hahaha how could I even forget that for a moment). Even if I do not see the harvest, it is incredibly important to plant those seeds.
I sit here at one of our favorite food, coffee and WiFi places, Garden Cafe, I am grateful for this month. Month one has created discipline in me, growth in my spirit and learning the character of God more. He has been teaching me so much about myself, I never knew or acknowledged. It’s been a sweet time with Him.
We leave for Jaco, Costa Rica very early Tuesday morning. Travel day will be by bus. Please pray for safety for each team as we all go our different directions for the month. I am pumped to live and do ministry on the beach!
Here are some verses that have meant a lot to me this month. Reach out if you want to know why! I would love to tell you.
Exodus 14:14
John 10:9-11
Matthew 5:14
Love you guys, mean it. Thank you for adventuring along with me on this journey. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and love. It means more than you know.
-Lo
