A World of Freedom

All my life I have walked around believing that I had to be more. I had to prove my worth and please everybody that I have encountered. 

 

I wore a decorative hat to distract my thoughts and emotions and display a life of serenity. I wore layers of flowers across my shoulders and over my heart that I thought brought elegance and fulfillment in what I did. However,  these things weighed heavy on me; the longer I wore them the longer I grew used to their presence and the more the flowers grew around me, the heavier they weighed on me. However, my attire also changed as I grew. Every so often I would lay down a garment that was weighing on me, but the hat and flowers stayed the same. 

 

I had been carrying these ever since childhood. They were a part of me. They became a part of my “normal” life in which I felt like I needed to carry this heavy weight. Besides, so many other people are probably carrying their load too, it’s just how it is.

 

As time went on, however, I found myself unable to be the fulfillment for my family, partners, or friends–in short, I really couldn’t please anyone. No matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried to show that I cared, it was never enough. My flowers I wore just kept getting heavier and heavier. 

 

I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I didn’t know how to fix it no matter how much I tried. So I pulled the hat a little lower and hefted more flowers upon me to continue moving forward. I honestly couldn’t breathe, but I was getting use to it. It was a way of life, right?

 

 

Being on this Race, the Lord has been challenging me in new ways. One thing after another, I felt those garments fall. 

It wasn’t until our training in Nepal, that I began to realize what I was carrying. Our mentor, Stephanie, was speaking about spirits that have names such as fear, anxiety, depression, hate, etc. They at first will try to influence us and seep lies into our lives. Then, if we let them, may cling to us. We might say that they are a part of our life. “Its just how I am.” 

It was like our mentor held up a mirror to my life and I was able to see the hat and flowers I wore to “protect” who I was. However, these were only lies I chose to carry. 

As we went through the session, we were asked to find the name of these garments we were holding. 

 

 

Soon the heaviness became clear and I wanted to be rid of these “decorations” that weighed on me. However, as I tried to dispose of them, they clung to me. I had worn them for so long that I didn’t even know how to take them off. I did everything in my power to be rid of them, but without knowing the source or root, I was lost.

That night I wrestled with it, wanting to know and understand what I was holding so I could be rid of these garments. It wasn’t until I laid my head down for bed, that I received the name: Disappointment. These were the flowers I put on my shoulders to cover my heart. My hat was Distraction.

 

The next morning, I woke up and had a stabbing pain in my heart and side. It was like someone was sticking thorns into me. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. 

When we went to our morning session, we talked about the Holy Spirit and being baptized in Him. We then went into a moment of prayer with our leaders. I knew I needed to talk to Stephanie, but someone else had already come up to her. I thought to myself, that maybe I will just need to fight this on my own. However, one of my squadmates came to pray with me and asked if I had anything specific. In my head, I said “yes” but out loud I said “no.” She prayed for boldness, how ironic. 

Immediately when she finished praying, Stephanie opened up and I knew I needed to go talk to her now.

 

 

The pain in my chest increased as I journeyed up to her. I told her the name and how I couldn’t find the source or memory from where it stems. She started to pray over me, but still nothing came. I was upset with myself and thought again that maybe I should just leave it for another day. Maybe I was supposed to fight this on my own, maybe it was just a part of who I was. However, my mind began to clear as she continued to pray over me, and the “hat” began to fall. I saw a memory from so long ago that it seemed ridiculous that it was a part of this.  

 

I found myself in a room of my old house where I saw myself as a small child hunched over and crying. Before me stood my father, brandishing an average test result that I had brought home. As I began to walk through the memory, seeing the pain and hurt in both people, I began to weep. Stephanie then had me speak life into the hurt child and forgive her for picking up the weed that bloomed in my heart. She then had me turn to my father and I started to weep uncontrollably. I began to understand the pain and anguish that my father displayed. I was then able to forgive him for handing over the weed to me as a child and then proceeded to speak life in him as well. 

 

The tightness of the weed’s root in my heart began to loosen and petals began to fall, but it had not yet let go. Stephanie then had me find Jesus in the room because He is always there and will always remain. He stood beside younger me with His hand on her back. Looking at me, He told me that He was well pleased. Jesus began to speak life into me and how He saw me. I was His child with whom He was not disappointed! Jesus then stretched out His hand towards me and asked if I would walk with Him. As I took his hand, the weed fell away in its entirety. I felt a lightness and freedom like never before. 

 

As I started walking with Him, I saw myself as a small child holding His hand. Gradually I watch me grow while He stayed the same with his hand in mine. Soon I was no longer younger, but who I am today. 

 

We came across a forest of lush green trees. I heard the birds chirping and the wind rustling the leaves. As we walked hand in hand, there was a peace and beauty to it all. We came across a small pool of water near a cliff with a small stream flowing into it. The water was very misty with a fog-like look. Jesus asked me to sit with Him beside the water and said that these were my tears that I have shed throughout my life. He had collected them and knew them all. 

 

I placed my hand within the water and scooped some up in my palms. The water began to clear and Jesus spoke again: “This is the water I give to you and cover you through all things.” He then asked me if I would jump with Him into it. I said yes and then lept off the cliff and into the water. Falling, I saw a light like no other. It was beautiful and spectacular and should have been blinding. I landed in the water and felt myself sinking, yet I could still breathe. Jesus looked at me and asked me if I would go deeper with Him. I said yes.

 

When we hit the bottom of the floor, the scene changed and I was in a meadow surrounded by dazzling flowers. The forest I had just been in was all around. I held Jesus’s hand as He reminded me of stories of joy from my past. I began to laugh with a newfound freedom. I didn’t want to leave this place of peace. Finally, Jesus told me it was time to go, but He would always be there to hold my hand.

 

I opened my eyes and I was laying on the floor in the room. I had just experienced freedom from Disappointment, washing of the Holy Spirit, and walking hand in hand with our Lord and Savior. It was beyond incredible! 

 

 

Many of us adopt lies from events in our lives. Some we are able to throw away more easily, while others we let cling to us to grow and fester. Some we have let cling to us our whole lives, to the point where we don’t even notice they are there. They are just a part of our life, we would say. However, that is a lie from the enemy that ultimately destroys us. It is only when we find the root of these lies (or flowers/weeds) and walk with Jesus that we can be freed from it all.

 

 

 

Many blessings,

Laura Leigh Armstrong