“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
2 Corinthians 5:17
This time last year was a time of great sorrow for me. I had just come out of a relationship that I had hoped would lead to marriage, and I was completely shattered. You can read more about my experience with that in my past blog posts, but it was in that state of brokenness that God tenderly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me out of that pit. I spent several months in mourning. In fact, I spent most of my 24th birthday in May in tears. But those months of mourning were months of incredible growth, and that growth continues today. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my past to try and figure out my past, determine why I did the things I did, and learn how not to respond in the same way. Reliving my shame isn’t fun, but it’s an important step for moving on, improving, and developing. After several months of doing this, and with a recommendation from my counselor (and a cool writing prompt from Adventures in Missions), I’ve decided to write a letter to my teenage self, when I was at the height of my depression.
“Dear Laura,
I know what you’re going through. I know exactly how you feel because I am you. I am your 24-year-old self. I know the struggles you’re facing, the insecurities you bear, and the thirst you so desperately try to quench. I know you spend hours reading fiction books, then cry yourself to sleep because you long with every fiber of your being to have a different life. I know you long to numb out the pain of not feeling like you belong anywhere because you’re different. I know you eventually numb that pain by spending almost a decade of your life on an online game. I know you attach yourself to men on the internet, and I know you eventually lose your virginity to one and spend a year in a toxic relationship with him. I know you feel like you have to dress a certain way and look a certain way to fit in with your friends. I know you listen to that music because you feel like the men screaming into the microphone can relate to your pain. I know you wish you could look like other girls because you believe you’re hideous, and you believe no man would ever want you because of your body. I know that you’ve thought about killing yourself. I know you’ve planned your funeral. I know you’re angry with God because of the hand you’ve been dealt, and that you believe He doesn’t care about you. I know you’re struggling to cope with your parents’ divorce, but you keep it bottled up inside. I know that you lash out at your sister, your parents, and your stepfather because you don’t know how to deal with the turmoil inside. I know that you feel like you’ve been rejected in every area of your life, including within your church and your own family. I know that you look at things on the internet you’re not supposed to just to feel something other than hopelessness and despair.
I spend many hours thinking about you and wishing that I could go back in time to tell you all that I know now. This letter to you that I know you’ll never get a chance to read will have to suffice.
Those books you read will not be able to compare to the life you will live as you grow older. That music you listen to, which you don’t even really like, dim out your natural light. You have so much to offer to those around you, and you don’t even realize it yet. Those clothes you wear, the make up you put on, and the black dye you treat your hair with cover your true beauty. I know you don’t see it yet, but you. are. beautiful. Your body may not be perfect, but don’t worry, you can fix it. You’re just going to have to cut back on the ice cream and Oreos, girl. I know it’s your favorite treat, I’m sorry, but eventually, you’ll let it go. You’re trying so hard to fit in, but fitting in does not mean you belong. True belonging doesn’t mean having to try to fit in.
When the divorce comes, realize that it’s not about you. Don’t bottle your emotions inside. It’s natural for you to do so, and it’s a defense mechanism, but you need to cope. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those sweet women at the church about this. They love you, they’re concerned, and they want to help. They have a lot of wisdom that could benefit you.
When you get into fights with Rebekah, realize that she is suffering too. She is trying to deal with everything just like you are. Go easy on her. And when she says something to you, turn and walk away. Do not fire back. You two put yourselves through a lot of pain by your words. You won’t always have this kind of a relationship with her, though. Once you two grow older, you will be there for her at a very difficult time in her life, and you’re going to become an aunt. And it’s one of the most incredible experiences of your life. Be nicer to your parents and Steve. As your authority figures, they deserve your respect and your obedience, even when you may not feel like they do.
That online world you are on introduces you to two men, one being the worst thing that ever happens to you. When you meet Joe, listen to your head, not your heart. Your heart is deceitful, your heart has no idea what it wants or needs. Your heart is fleeting, and listening to your heart is going to result in a lot of pain and suffering for you. You lose your purity, and you spend a year and a half in a toxic relationship where you constantly feel like you’re not enough for him. The next man you meet, Jesse, will be like no other man you’ve met ever before. You fight with him. A lot. But you fall in love with him. However, the relationship does not go how you want it to. Though you won’t realize it for a while, it’s a good thing you two don’t get married. There’s a lot of growing up you still have to do, and him too. Stop listening to your heart. Stop lying to yourself. Be honest with yourself, and listen to that small voice telling you that this isn’t the right path for you.
If you take nothing from this letter, please remember this: God doesn’t hate you. God cares about you so much, far more than any human being ever will. Stop focusing on yourself and on what you want, because what you think you want leads to destruction. I realize the past cannot be changed, so be comforted in knowing that one day, you finally respond to God’s call. One day you finally come to know Jesus Christ as your Messiah, as your Lord and Savior. While your life will still be tough at times, you will be filled with God-given strength to endure, trust, and hope in better days. Despair no longer, sweet girl, and look to the future with hope. God has an amazing life in store for you.
– Laura”
“…But God does not just sweep life away; Instead, He devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from Him.” 2 Samuel 14:14
