The Lord asked me this question pretty vividly as I was complaining to Him about the millionth thing that day. Team changes, the heat, being in a village, wanting to be done with the race. In month seven they warn you that there might be a rut…and ya girl definitely hit it. As I was journaling to the Lord, He stopped me dead in my tracks with a voice in my head that sounded a lot like myself but a little different.
“Am I Enough?”
After pausing for a second… I was like of course you are.
“No Kelsey…Am I enough if you spend the holidays without your family and not a single present to open? Am I enough when you are stuck in the same room all day? Am I enough when everyone else in your life doesn’t live up to your expectations that you’ve set for them to be your friend? Am I enough when the people you love fail you? What about when you fail yourself? What if you don’t accomplish your career goals or write another song? Am I enough?
If I answered honestly up until this point in my life, the answer would be no. I didn’t think God was enough, He was always a great addition to the friends and family, career and lifestyle but He hasn’t been my everything.
Our host in India, a Pastor in a rural village, has two girls and has ten boys that live with him and his wife. During the day he works to provide for his family and each night he visits surrounding villages and houses, praying for people who have never heard Jesus’s name. He spends two hours a day on his knees praying for the Lord to show him more, only sleeping four hours each night. When I asked him how he wasn’t tired, he said the Truth sustains him day and night. To completely and solely rely on the Lord and on His word to sustain you day and night is something most christians cannot say they do. I know I am in the majority that would admit that is not the case for my life.
The problem that I have been so susceptible to my entire life is I always want more. While this can be a motivating and positive character trait, it can also cause me to constantly be looking for something bigger and better. I’ve had some time to stop and ask myself, at what point would I truly be content if I don’t let the Lord be my everything? We see celebrities who seem to have it all still craving more filling the void with things of this world and others radically finding Jesus. That proves even everything on this earth still isn’t enough.
My team is reading Ecclesiastes this month and chapter 5 verse 15 really stuck out to me. “As he came from his mother’s womb he shall go again, naked as he came and shall take nothing for his toil that he may carry away in his hand” (ESV.) Even though we read this so often it is such a good reminder that in the grand scheme of things, the treasures of this world mean nothing. As depressing as that may sound, it is encouraging to me because the only thing that can still bring hope and complete contentment in our lives is Jesus Christ.
I don’t know if there will be a point where God will become my everything. I have glimpses of Him being my all in moments of complete surrender but I still have moments where He is the last thing on my mind. My prayer is that I will live everyday to further my relationship with the Lord and with each step forward I hope to get a clearer view of just How enough our God is.
