I spent the last day and a half isolated from my squad while trying not to vomit out my esophagus. I wasn’t allowed to leave “The Room.” The Room was super cozy and air conditioned with a private bathroom, unlike the toasty room I was used to where flies land on your face as an alarm clock. Still, I was so upset because I felt trapped. I felt like I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. So, as I am processing why I was so upset about A DAY in isolation I’m going to list a few things I’ve realized about myself.
- FOMO?? What’s the cure??
I had major fear of missing out as I watched my friends from the window on their walks and dinner breaks laughing and running into the sunshine all holding hands (ok that was definitely exaggerated but it felt like that.) I sat there wondering why I felt like it was going to be detrimental if I missed an inside joke or a funny moment and I almost hoped there was no fun to be had without me which is pretty twisted.
I sat with the Lord on this one a bit today. Why do I idolize my relationships? Why do I feel like if I don’t feel like I’m making constant process I’m going to be forgotten? A common theme of my life was wanting to be “the life of the party.” Because if I am then I can’t be forgotten.
I know my identity is in Christ. I know that when I’m being my authentic self I won’t have to fight not to be forgotten. I know that when people come in contact with me they won’t forget the feeling they had from encountering the Holy Spirit in me if I’m truly living a life of surrender.
- Being busy doesn’t make you a hero.
I live my life for the next project, trip or activity. I’ve worked pretty much full-time since I was in high school on top of school and theatre. I prized myself on being able to do it all and in that I lost my chance to process what I was even doing.
As I sat with no WiFi in a dark room I just pressed pause. I paused the thoughts about all the things I shouldn’t have said or done. I paused thinking about my dire need to do laundry. I paused the need to find someone to have a connection and conversation. I sat in stillness and silence and it was good.
I love the song “Defender.” “All I did was praise, all I did was worship, all I did was bow down, all I did was stay still.” It truly proves that there is no striving for His kingdom. That slowing down and just being is rewarded with peace. Re-centering, focusing and taking a deep two hour breath is a necessity sometimes.
- Trust leadership that have your best intentions
Leadership and Kelsey Kindall have never gotten along too swell. I challenge a lot of leadership because I have had toxic mentorship in my life. I’ve seen leaders as people who want to use you as a pedal-stool to lift themselves higher and call out the negative in you for no purpose but to make you feel less than.
The leaders on my trip are so opposite it’s been mind blowing! They see the best in me and call me higher in a way that feels less like a slap in the face and more of a love tap with a pancake. As they saw me trying to escape “The Room” they kindly reminded me that I didn’t need to feel guilty about asking them to do things for me. They were up sacrificing their sleep playing nurses all night and continued to pursue my heart behind why I was bitter about being isolated. I never felt judged or condemned but simply taken care of and seen.
I realized Godly leadership isn’t dictatorship and it isn’t looking for ways to draw lines in the sand. I have to rewrite the narrative in my head on what Christian leadership looks like. I want to lead like Jesus did, which a lot of the time was being at the back of the line. It looks like listening more and pushing your own agenda less. It looks like a lil smack in the head with a pancake.
That’s all for now
