I am sitting on break at work about to start the second half of my twelve hour shift. I have to memorize a new menu in order to take a written test on Saturday to continue to work. I have to drive back to NYC to return my roommates stuff that I accidentally took instead of checking with her. I’m exhausted and sick of traveling. I have to raise over twenty thousand dollars. I disappoint everyone in my life. I am selfish. I shouldn’t have eaten that dessert. I have to be creative or I’m failing. I shouldn’t have texted him. I wonder if they talk bad about me. Am I doing enough?
These are the thoughts that race through my head on a constant basis. I am exhausted at the end of my day and I still can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I am greeted with all of my failures and short comings racing across the inside of my eyelids. I get so frustrated from tossing and turning so much and I wake up to my sheets completely detached from my bed.
I started off my journey with “surrendering it all.” I surrendered what I held so dearly onto, my career, toxic relationships etc. I thought I was golden. Yay-I know things are out of my hands and from now on everything will make sense and I will have clarity and peace with all my decisions.
Wrong. I found myself getting so frustrated and striving so hard. I would beat myself up for little mistakes and because I was focused on previous mistakes I would just make more. I didn’t have clarity, motivation and I wasn’t grounded. I question everything because I know in my heart that this is where I am supposed to be so why do I feel like I am spiraling out of control?
I don’t know a lot, but here is what I learned this week.
- I was trying to do it all in my power. I began to stress about money and count each dime to save for this missions trip and I forgot that God has already raised my funds. All I can do is wake up, work hard, tell my story and go to sleep. He pathed a way for this trip and He won’t leave me without the funds I need to go.
- Surrender it ALL. So when I kept saying this at first I really just meant my career and boys lol. In reality this has meant surrendering my sudden urges to complain or gossip, wanting to lazily cut corners, being only concerned with what I will get out of a situation, or giving up the need to always be right.
- I have to “surrender it all” everyday. I thought that I could give my burdens and fears to God once and I would be in the clear. I’ve realized that I need to be in a constant state of surrender. My first reaction to a problem is to handle it my way, being defensive and trying to fix it in my own power. It is going to take some time to un-learn these habits and that comes from a constant state of surrender.
Each day is a new lesson. Each day is a chance to make a connection and inspire others. I don’t have a great profound ending to this blog because I am so exhausted but tonight I will go to sleep knowing that the Creator of the universe has already won my battles.
