I’m home! Coming to you live from LBK, TX.
And I don’t really know how to describe it other than “weird”.
It feels as if nothing’s changed but everything has changed at the same time. It feels so normal being home, but the furthest thing from normal at the exact. same. time.
It’s been really hard for me to comprehend what’s going on, much less be in touch with my emotions. I definitely think it’s going to take some time to officially come to terms with where I truly am and how I am, but I can tell you where I am at right now.
Today has been the first day since being home that I’ve genuinely felt motivated to get up and do something, but also the first day I’ve felt motivated to do nothing. Which is odd, in itself, “motivated to do nothing”, but I think what I am trying to get at is it’s been the first day that I’ve truly just been content. Like a sort of peace came over me that I hadn’t yet experienced. There’s still a lot that I need to get re-accustomed to, and a lot that still needs to be processed, but we’ve finally gotten to a starting point.
~~~
So, here are some thoughts from me!
~One of my biggest fears in coming home was that I would slip back into the same person who had the same thinking and response patterns as before I left for the race. The person who responded out of lack of confidence in Jesus, who responded as quick as the opposite person said something without thinking it through, who responded with aggression or irritation. Whose thoughts consisted of victimization, and of insecurities. Going on the race, I learned so much, and I grew so much. But, it was in such small ways, they can almost seem unrecognizable. Living in constant community, you learn a lot about how to respond to a person with love rather than anger, you learn how to walk in grace rather than judgement or frustration, you begin learning what setting boundaries looks like. You learn what choosing into something looks like rather than assuming it’s going to magically appear or happen. You learn how to confront situations and receive confrontation, and doing so in a manner that lifts them up rather then tears them down, but at the same time, you are learning how to receive that feedback without feeling attacked or getting defensive. It’s a lot of “behind the scenes” it seems like of learning how to be a person of love, who is always trying to look more like Jesus, rather than herself. It’s hard, but it’s such a necessity in this life. So, being back home, I’ve been really trying to practice the tools I’ve learned on the race, but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve found myself in situations where I could have responded very negatively and unhealthily but instead chosen to step back and realize it’s not worth it, and practiced just moving on from the situation.
~I’ve had such a fear to bring up Jesus even though majority of the people around me believe in Jesus. It’s this fear that is straight from the devil himself, telling me that I’m not where I should be in my walk with Him or I don’t have enough knowledge just yet, so I need to just be silent for now. Which is total bull crap. Or he’s telling me “don’t be that weird Jesus girl” because talking about Jesus isn’t typically a topic that’s consistently talked about or can be used in casual conversation. Which is also bull crap. Because Jesus is freaking cool, guys. He should be talked about more! He should be the topic that we are constantly talking about! I want my life to be consumed by him, but there’s so much fear and insecurity that is holding me back from pursuing that and pursuing him the way he so desires to be. By not talking about him, we’re saying he isn’t worthy enough, or “cool” enough, that what he’s doing in our lives (even if we are blind to it!) isn’t ENOUGH. Those are lies, friends. But they’re lies I’ve also taken part in believing. Things that the devil has been deceiving me with for so long now. Something that I want to change, something that I want to be better in is walking in His Truth, walking in His confidence, and walking in the freedom that He gave me to truly be FREE and all that encompasses freedom! (Freedom- declaring boldly the name of Jesus, acting foolishly for the sake of his name!)
~I want to look like Jesus here, but I’ve found myself in a confusing conflict with none other than, myself. And the reason is Jesus looks so different to each and every person, but I can’t be each and every person, I can only be Karson who tries to be as best as she can, the Jesus she knows. Which is SO CONFUSING. I’ve been in a predicament, for sure. I want every person I know to know Jesus, and to fall in love with this guy, but it’s hard, to say the least. So, as for now, I am only going to try to be the best version of Karson I can be, and I know how to be, and pray that through that, you will find Jesus in me. Such a silly worry, anyhow, because I know the pressure is already off of me, and it’s not BECAUSE of me that a person comes to know him, but it’s literally because God, and Him alone. I’m only a single, small piece that gets to partake in such a thing.
~Going on the race, I placed so many subconscious expectations on it and on myself. That neither would live up to. Only did I realize this at the end of Ecuador, knowing there were only going to be “3” (lol) months left, and realizing I was nowhere near where I wanted or intended to be. A big slap in the face. One because I placed so many unrealistic expectations on myself to accomplish in only a short period of time, and two because I feel like most of the race, I sat in my “grief” because of the discomforts I was living in, instead of embracing them and searching for what God was trying to teach me and show me. But, I am realizing now the beauty the Lord has made! Despite my expectations! And I am seeing the fruit! Despite my expectations!
~I’m currently experiencing this really weird and confusing thing that feels as if the race never actually happened. It just doesn’t feel real. Which stinks. It feels either like a dream, or something that if I didn’t hold onto it for dear life, it would just slip away before my eyes. It was the last 7 months of my life, but it still feels so distant from me. I am having to really hold on to the memories I made, the experiences, the stuff I walked through, and what Jesus grew me in throughout this last season, really tightly.
~Something UBER cool that the Lord has been walking me through since being home is this: MY IDENTITY! I am finally coming to this realization that He literally made me so distinctively, and so specifically, and He calls me precious! He calls me enough! He doesn’t think I’m “too much”! He only sees me as His beautiful daughter whom He so intricately created. How cool is that, people! It’s taken me long enough to believe this, and I may still continue to struggle with it from time to time, but at-least right now, I know who I am, and I know Who’s I am. And I’m going to believe that He made me so beautifully, that I shouldn’t have to suppress who I am, or be afraid to simply be me! I CAN BE ME! And I can be bold in that! I have a voice! I’m goofy! I like to dance and it’s NOT good! I like to dream! I love adventure, and am always planning my next move! He likes to dream with me people, He knows my heart! I like to be loud, but sometimes I like to not say a word, and that is OK! (Your turn— start saying some declarations of truth over yourself!)
~~~
So, that’s kind of where I am right now- mentally and emotionally. It’s a whole lot of jumble that is going through my mind. A whole lot of random thoughts and sometimes a few insecurities BUT it still looks to be going only up from here, which is a PRAISE.
I think it’ll take awhile for me to get to a point where life feels actually normal and right (and once the corona madness is over— real odd circumstances to come home to). But I am hopeful and excited, always!
I’d love to chat about life (6 feet part, BABY!), or what the Lord did over these past 7 months, BUT I will ask for grace while I am trying to still process! Please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to pray for you, or listen to you, or whatever you need.
All my love,
Karson <3
