“I’m breaking you down so I can build you back up.
You’re in the desert right now,
but be steadfast,
because soon there will be overflowing rivers,
and an endless blossom.”
Today, I took a mental health day. I stayed at home, and reflected.
This morning, I was on the verge of tears every other sentence I would try to speak.
I have been so overwhelmed, and honestly, just walking through a lot this season. The Lord has been revealing a lot of my true character to me and exposing this raw version of my heart. It’s been hard. Like really hard.
This country has been a season of challenge.
Thinking about it in retrospective, I would not have it any other way. All I’ve wanted is deeper intimacy with the Father, and this is what it’s taking to get me there. I’ve honestly been walking through the desert all of Ecuador. Struggling to see God. Struggling to even want to spend time with Him. Dealing with a lot of questions and unbelief. Having my real intentions be exposed. Feeling no desire to be here, or to serve. Getting worn out from ministry every day. Not being able to find rest- physically, mentally, or spiritually.
I’ve found myself be easily agitated, at really small things. I’ve found myself in a constant state of negativity. A lot of mental self-pity.
It gets overwhelming. Sometimes, it all just becomes too much. Especially when you are trying to take all of this on by yourself.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot this country. He’s been walking me through so much growth, in so many areas. I’m learning about selflessness, because I’ve learned how selfish my motives and heart are. I’m learning about a life of servant-ship, and what it truly looks like to be eager and willing to serve. I’m learning about God’s character, and in that, realizing how much love and grace He truly has for me. Something that I’ve never been able to grasp before, and how that has affected my relationships. I’m learning about freedom, and what walking in true freedom and surrender look like- that it is so tangible. Specifically, freedom from the expectations I felt I always had to live up to. I’m learning about what a relationship with God actually looks like, and what it means to truly love Him- how it is not a rule book or a dictatorship, but simply just a life of relationship with Jesus. I’m learning that my hard questions are okay, and Jesus always meets me there. I’m learning about all of the walls that I have built up toward the Father, and how detrimental that’s been to my intimacy with Him. I’m learning how to not base my joy and attitude on circumstances, but how I should be living out of an overflow because of His spirit inside of me. I’m learning how to wholeheartedly love people, when it’d be so much easier to walk away from it. I’m learning how to not avoid feelings anymore, or avoid hard things but how to embrace it.
He really is breaking me down. Breaking all of my walls down. He just wants in. He’s tired of seeing me try to do it all on my own. He wants me, and truly desires intimacy. He’s led me to the desert to show me this. He keeps repeating over and over, “Karson, please let me in. Please.” But, until now I haven’t.
He’s holding my hand, as I am walking through all of this.
Isaiah 35–
He’s telling me that He’s going to bring me out of the desert, and will flood dry grounds with springs of water. Overflowing rivers.
He’s going to bloom me. And strengthen my weak hands,
and calm my anxious heart,
and open my blind eyes,
and cause my deaf ears to hear.
He’s restoring me, transforming me, making me brand new.
He’s faithful, He’s good, and He loves me.
Only now am I truly beginning to realize this,
truly starting to believe the love He has for me.
I’m holding fast to the truth God has spoken over me, and holding fast to the purpose I know He wants to fulfill in my life.
If you’re walking through a similar season:
hold fast to Him. Rest in the fact that He has you in His hand, that He places purpose in and for this season,
know He is using this, pray for an open heart to receive what He has for you,
pray for eyes to see His plan in all of this, to see the beauty He’s placed around you.
Be steadfast, is what He keeps repeating to me.
He blooms in the desert, rest in that truth.
