Something God has been teaching me so heavily lately is the fact that it’s a choice. It sounds so simple, but honestly it’s been something that I haven’t, until recently, been able to wrap my head around. Choosing Jesus is a choice that I can be closed off to, or choose to have an open heart to receive. Choosing joy, choosing to love others, choosing to serve with an eager and willing heart, choosing to step into what He is calling me to walk through, and more. It’s literally all a choice. For all of my journey with the Lord, I carried this entitled expectation that He was just going to give me something without doing anything myself. Walking around thinking I was so entitled to His goodness, yet I was walking around with such a closed off and prideful heart. I would pray all the time for joy (with the most stubborn heart that I was not aware I had) and then left disappointed because I never felt like He would answer me. I would pray for a deeper connection with Him, and then once again, left with disappointment because I never felt it grow more intimate in the way I “thought it should”. There’s so many examples I could share, but I think you get what I am saying. Reading this, I am sure it can be confusing to understand because you aren’t fully able to understand where I am coming from unless you are experiencing it for yourself, or you’re thinking about how simple or silly this may sound, but truly it has been one of the biggest revelations to me in my current season. I seriously had no idea how serious this is- how essential choosing into something is.
Being on the Race, finding the beauty in things has been something that has been so hard for me, which is strange because at home, I am naturally optimistic, and basically just skipping along with a smile. But, what a blessing it’s been from Jesus that He’s giving me new eyes and new perspectives, and what a blessing that He always places purpose into circumstances. Being on the Race, I’ve caught myself too many times to even count walking around with this attitude that God wasn’t doing enough, I would (and probably still will because I am a flawed human) walk around with a selfishness that was rooted in thinking of myself more than the Father, or carry this ugly pride that comes straight from the devil. I would wake up with this bitter attitude that was related to my entitlement I felt (feel). I could care less about anyone else, could care less what Jesus says about the way I am acting, and truly only think of myself. I threw out what Jesus talks about in the Bible, and what he says is truth, because well, I wasn’t enjoying my time. Because well, I would much rather hang out at the house and rest instead of go serve on Sunday mornings. Because well, these people who I have to spend all my time with aren’t people I naturally click with and it’s hard. I was making a choice, but my choice was PURE SELFISHNESS. Complete and utter selfishness. Thank God that He is revealing to me my ugly heart and my ugly intentions, and showing me what it looks like to choose into who He is, and choose into walking like Jesus…. not Karson. What I am getting at is I can either wake up every morning and allow myself to walk in my selfish flesh, or I can wake up and choose what the Father has for me today and choose to see the beauty in it. It’s something I am still learning so much about, and learning how to truly live it out. What a praise report this is because God wants me to grow, so He reveals to me what I am lacking in. He calls me higher in the most beautiful and gentle way. Also, another praise report— thank God that I no longer receive these things with a defensive heart, but I receive it with love because I know His heart for me only beams love.
