Hey Jesus. I love you, my guy.
I can’t wait to get to the point where I see you as Papa.
I hope it happens soon. I’m in this season of realizing I don’t know you as well as I thought I did, and I wish I did. I want to know you as my friend, and as my father. I’m beginning to get there, but it’s taking awhile. A lot longer than I expected or wished it would.
I’m also realizing that when my relationship with you began, I sought you for answers and understanding, when I was lost and confused about my mom going to prison. I wasn’t seeking you for Your love, or Your kindness, or the qualities that a daughter desires in a father. And I am realizing that because of that, it’s so hard for me to receive Your love, or feel like I am even worthy enough for it. Which stinks.
The waiting season, of just anticipated growth is more difficult than it seems. It’s this long, twisty road that is confusing, and you get lost sometimes, and every time you feel like you’re almost there, you realize you still have a ways to go. I find myself, so often, desiring to be at this destination now- the destination being this beautiful and undeniable relationship with You. Where I see you as my Papa, where I know and believe Your love for me is genuine and steadfast. Where I seek you because I am so in love with you. I’m not there yet. I so badly want to be in love with you. Father, capture my heart. That’s what I want so desperately, but I don’t know how to get there. Lead me to that place, Jesus.
Sometimes I think about the capacity of Your love. I think about how people in my life love me with this incredible passion, with this huge capacity that is hard for me to comprehend. And it leads me to just think about how if a human being can love that passionately and intensely, how much greater is the love You have for me? But, even though I know this truth, it’s so hard for me to believe it. I hate that. How do I get to a point where I know how You feel about me and I am not constantly questioning it? How do I get Satan’s lies of not being good or worthy enough out of my head? I know truth and I remind myself of it, constantly. But, somehow, Satan’s lies find a way to creep back into my mind. I am so tired of it. I want freedom from those lies. I want to live out this truth You have spoken over me. I know breakthrough is coming soon, even if I don’t know when it’s coming. I trust you, Jesus. You are so faithful, and You are so good.
Thank You for just allowing me to sit here and talk to You. Thank You for Your comforting presence, for the safe haven You are to me, for Your endless pursuit.
Thank You, Lord, for Your consistently open arms that never get tired of just sitting there, patiently waiting for me.
Thank You that You don’t expect me to be perfect, that I don’t have to do anything to receive Your love and Your friendship.
I desire to know You more. I want a deeper relationship with You so badly. I know sometimes I choose Your creation over You. I’m sorry. Despite me doing that, thank You that You never stop choosing me. I am the most undeserving person, yet You never stop chasing after me.
What a beautiful father You are to Your children. I am so excited for the day where You are my everything, where I truly know You as my friend, the day that I finally start seeing myself the way you see me. Man, that day is going to be a day of rejoicing.
I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to reach that day, and that I have the opportunity to even pursue a relationship with You. I am so grateful that even though my relationship with You isn’t perfect, and it’s still growing and forming, that the way You feel about me never changes.
Thank you for your grace. Thank you for calling me daughter even though I am such an imperfect human who fails to look like You constantly. Thank you, Jesus.
